on female mentors and wise women

I'm a firm believer in Universe and that you get what you put out there.
For few years now, I've been asking and saying to the Universe, I need a mentor, or an older female who's gonna guide me through life.
And the more I was asking, the more women showed up in my life to act as such. And I'm incredibly grateful for each and every one of them for entering my life and for healing the wounds of the past and for being themselves. And for giving and sharing their life lessons and their wisdom with me. I'm so lucky and blessed.

I'm also incredibly grateful to find out about these amazing and beautiful warriors, as they entered my virtual Universe when I was ready to hear, embrace and soak in their truths, that just happen to be my truths as well.

Miss Iyanla Vanzant and Tamara Levinson Campos, thank you for being brave, authentic and for believing in love.

on cravings and self - love

Some days are just hard. Some nights are even harder. On some afternoons I walk through this town tears running down my face. Missing you. Missing our story. How we met, secrets I told you, holding your hand in silence, salsa dancing in the kitchen, hugging you. And then there is pain. The hurt. And love that I want to give you. Love that I need to give myself. It is so hard to give myself all that I need. Because there is so much caring, nurturing and attention. So much healing. And I will be ok, I know I will. I am ok. I am standing on my own two feet. Living. Smiling, laughing, exploring. But then missing you and our life deeply. My soul craves your soul. There is no other way to describe it.

on commitment, open relationships, being "the one" and the heartbreak

My current relationship status: single.

Two months ago I would have said: heartbroken.

Today I would say that on a spiritual level I'm healing from a codependent relationship that ended with pain and hurt.

I'm not ready to talk about what has happened between us, because I'm still trying to make sense out of all of it. Still trying to figure out my responsibility in this break up, and the entire relationship and what has nothing to do with me, but it's my ex's stuff.

And it's freaking hard, being aware and powerless all at the same time. Being mature and then being a complete child in all of this. Then loving myself and the other person still. Showing the kindness but honoring the emotions that are in me. And there is a lot. A lot of hurt, a lot of pain, a lot of anger. But also love, and compassion and understanding and kindness.

I'm doing my best to heal, to recover, to forgive and there is few sources that I reach towards when I'm lacking the strength to give myself what I need.They explain better what I'm thinking, than I'm able at the moment.

It also explains where and how and maybe even why my relationship ended. So instead of me talking about it, I will let you listen to these talks.

breaking the patterns

Full me once...

I am such a fool! Such a fool! For holding, for not letting go, for believing that loving you will set me free, that showing you compassion will help me, us become new versions of us. What a fool I am! For again and again focusing on you! And forgetting about myself! How come I keep giving you the power and putting me and my healing in second place! I am so angry with myself! So angry with myself! Foe believing that you are honest when you say I'm sorry for the pain! For giving you chance over a chance over a chance! For showing you that I will love you no matter what! That you don't need to deserve my love, that my love is here for you when you need it! I am such a fool! Such a fool! And when I say you'll have to work freaking hard to be even my friend, I mean it now! You will have to work really freaking hard! I was here ready to say I'm sorry for everything I did while we were together that you found disrespectful, everything that I did that made you feel like you were not good enough, everything where I could've shown you more love! There is nothing to apologize for, nothing! The person I need to apologize, nurture and love is me, only me!

fear

I'm craving you. I'm craving your voice. I'm craving you. My inner being is craving your inner being. And I cannot explain it. And who do I explain it to.
I'm fighting myself. My need to reach out, and my reason who says we both deserve peace. And then I don't know if it's my pride that is stopping me from reaching out and that voice that says "she should fight for you". And then there is love, there is kindness and compassion, and the belief that forgiveness will set me free. And then there is a fear that if I show you any of this, I will be hurt again and then I'm back at square one. And then I know how much healing happens in being vulnerable, but I don't know if that is going to open me to a possibility to get hurt even more.

I just want to talk to you. I don't need to know why. I don't need to hear this is better for both of us. I don't need to hear any explanations. I just want to talk to you. Simple as that. I just want to talk to you.

when the only thing left is selflove

Remember that day when you said you wanted out?

I fell into pieces...

You decided to go out for a dinner with your friends.


Remember that time I was in Belgium, after we broke up?

I was falling into pieces...

You decided to do one thing I asked you not to do.


Remember that time I came back to pack my stuff and move, and I found out what you did?

I fell into pieces...

You said, remember how you feel now when you start missing me.


Remember that time I left what we called "our home" and moved?

I fell into pieces...

You said, you will be so much happier there.


Remember that time you posted those pictures on fb?

I fell into pieces...



I collected my pieces...



Now you are broken...


And I need you to know, there is nothing but love in me for you. Only love. Love is all there is, love is all there will ever be. I will always always always choose love. Love for myself first. And then for you.