on female mentors and wise women

I'm a firm believer in Universe and that you get what you put out there.
For few years now, I've been asking and saying to the Universe, I need a mentor, or an older female who's gonna guide me through life.
And the more I was asking, the more women showed up in my life to act as such. And I'm incredibly grateful for each and every one of them for entering my life and for healing the wounds of the past and for being themselves. And for giving and sharing their life lessons and their wisdom with me. I'm so lucky and blessed.

I'm also incredibly grateful to find out about these amazing and beautiful warriors, as they entered my virtual Universe when I was ready to hear, embrace and soak in their truths, that just happen to be my truths as well.

Miss Iyanla Vanzant and Tamara Levinson Campos, thank you for being brave, authentic and for believing in love.

on cravings and self - love

Some days are just hard. Some nights are even harder. On some afternoons I walk through this town tears running down my face. Missing you. Missing our story. How we met, secrets I told you, holding your hand in silence, salsa dancing in the kitchen, hugging you. And then there is pain. The hurt. And love that I want to give you. Love that I need to give myself. It is so hard to give myself all that I need. Because there is so much caring, nurturing and attention. So much healing. And I will be ok, I know I will. I am ok. I am standing on my own two feet. Living. Smiling, laughing, exploring. But then missing you and our life deeply. My soul craves your soul. There is no other way to describe it.

on commitment, open relationships, being "the one" and the heartbreak

My current relationship status: single.

Two months ago I would have said: heartbroken.

Today I would say that on a spiritual level I'm healing from a codependent relationship that ended with pain and hurt.

I'm not ready to talk about what has happened between us, because I'm still trying to make sense out of all of it. Still trying to figure out my responsibility in this break up, and the entire relationship and what has nothing to do with me, but it's my ex's stuff.

And it's freaking hard, being aware and powerless all at the same time. Being mature and then being a complete child in all of this. Then loving myself and the other person still. Showing the kindness but honoring the emotions that are in me. And there is a lot. A lot of hurt, a lot of pain, a lot of anger. But also love, and compassion and understanding and kindness.

I'm doing my best to heal, to recover, to forgive and there is few sources that I reach towards when I'm lacking the strength to give myself what I need.They explain better what I'm thinking, than I'm able at the moment.

It also explains where and how and maybe even why my relationship ended. So instead of me talking about it, I will let you listen to these talks.

breaking the patterns

Full me once...

I am such a fool! Such a fool! For holding, for not letting go, for believing that loving you will set me free, that showing you compassion will help me, us become new versions of us. What a fool I am! For again and again focusing on you! And forgetting about myself! How come I keep giving you the power and putting me and my healing in second place! I am so angry with myself! So angry with myself! Foe believing that you are honest when you say I'm sorry for the pain! For giving you chance over a chance over a chance! For showing you that I will love you no matter what! That you don't need to deserve my love, that my love is here for you when you need it! I am such a fool! Such a fool! And when I say you'll have to work freaking hard to be even my friend, I mean it now! You will have to work really freaking hard! I was here ready to say I'm sorry for everything I did while we were together that you found disrespectful, everything that I did that made you feel like you were not good enough, everything where I could've shown you more love! There is nothing to apologize for, nothing! The person I need to apologize, nurture and love is me, only me!

fear

I'm craving you. I'm craving your voice. I'm craving you. My inner being is craving your inner being. And I cannot explain it. And who do I explain it to.
I'm fighting myself. My need to reach out, and my reason who says we both deserve peace. And then I don't know if it's my pride that is stopping me from reaching out and that voice that says "she should fight for you". And then there is love, there is kindness and compassion, and the belief that forgiveness will set me free. And then there is a fear that if I show you any of this, I will be hurt again and then I'm back at square one. And then I know how much healing happens in being vulnerable, but I don't know if that is going to open me to a possibility to get hurt even more.

I just want to talk to you. I don't need to know why. I don't need to hear this is better for both of us. I don't need to hear any explanations. I just want to talk to you. Simple as that. I just want to talk to you.

when the only thing left is selflove

Remember that day when you said you wanted out?

I fell into pieces...

You decided to go out for a dinner with your friends.


Remember that time I was in Belgium, after we broke up?

I was falling into pieces...

You decided to do one thing I asked you not to do.


Remember that time I came back to pack my stuff and move, and I found out what you did?

I fell into pieces...

You said, remember how you feel now when you start missing me.


Remember that time I left what we called "our home" and moved?

I fell into pieces...

You said, you will be so much happier there.


Remember that time you posted those pictures on fb?

I fell into pieces...



I collected my pieces...



Now you are broken...


And I need you to know, there is nothing but love in me for you. Only love. Love is all there is, love is all there will ever be. I will always always always choose love. Love for myself first. And then for you.

Love stays. Pain leaves.

I hold so much pain in me...

Every once in a while I feel full of love, life, excitement, joy, like I can conquer anything that's put in front of me.

But reality is, more often than that, I just feel sadness, pain, weight of the life experiences on my shoulders. Maybe that's why they are so stiff, and always tight, and always high, as if the world is going to break me if they let their guard down.

There is so much forgiving to be done, there is so much acceptance to be made, there is so much to let go of, there is so much to enjoy. But how? Can someone please give me a recipe???

I guess I wasn't born with one of those light personalities, the type that brings the light and easiness in every room, or every experience. Things come hard to me. Joy comes hard to, I'm so cynical that I don't laugh at simple, no harm jokes. I just find them stupid. Pain, anger, sadness comes really easy to me. It's comforting at times, but I know it's destructive. I feel it. With every cell of my body.

I wonder often what is stopping me from loving life, enjoying everything that's in front of me, every breath I take, person I meet, sunset I see?

Was I born sad? Or is this something I learned?

I know a lot of the pain and letting go has to do with accepting who I am. The way I am. A lot to do with appreciating myself and everything I've been through. And letting go of perfection and the feeling of being responsible for everything.

I don't know...



I know I'm being too hard on myself.

And I feel stuck because of the constant judging thoughts running around in my head. I do not feel light, I feel it in my breath (if I breathe at all).
And the fear! The fucking fear of everything. When, why, how??? Stop with it. Stop with the fear!


I know I'm work in progress, but maybe, just maybe, the traits I consider to be my faults are actually not faults at all, maybe that's just me. ME.


I was going to be honest in this post, and I thought for a minute I'll be able to express everything I feel and question and spin around in my mind, just the way it is. But I seem to be lost in the translation. My own self.

Look, you, the person writing this post, yes YOU!

YOU ARE OK JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. SAD, ANGRY, SCARED, SENSITIVE YOU!!! YOU ARE PERFECT IN YOUR CREATION.

NOW GO AND START BELIEVING THIS IN THIS NEW YEAR.

This is who I am?

You know when you go to a workshop/training/seminar and there is always that first part of the introduction games and talking about who you are and so on and so on? Well, I don't like that. One of the things I hate answering is 'who I am', or defining who this body, this person with this name is. Not because I don't know it, well maybe that's not entirely true, but because not one of those things I say and share defines me. Doesn't make me who I am. So, most of the times I feel comfortable just saying, I'm Sandra. And then, you decide who I am, or am not.
I just couldn't figure out how saying oh I'm a psychologist, a woman, a sister, a daughter, serbian, or this and that tells to myself or the people what my true essence is. I always felt that saying I am (fill the gap) puts me into this box with strict definitions and description of how I am supposed to behave, talk, dress, what movies should I watch, what should I like or dislike. It always gave me this huge fright of not having the freedom to be anything else but that person in the box I choose to define myself with. I am very aware of the fact that those imaginary boxes have more flexible edges now, but I find myself in a limbo more often lately as I'm discovering and accepting the fact that I am (what society calls) a lesbian. A word that I'm dreading to use to define myself with. I know huge part of accepting my sexuality is a very outspoken homophobic upbringing I was exposed to. And it did took me a long time to find the right words that explained why I always felt different than other girls I knew, why I was never really attracted to the opposite sex, but felt like I should and therefore created all these scenarios in my head and acted according to them. I was different, and I always knew it, but then, we all are. But I just didn't know what different meant.
I like to believe that at age of 28 I was brave enough to admit to myself that I might actually be gay, or who I really am. Brave enough, but never more lost. I was reading a book by Portia de Rossi soon after I moved to Ireland, who explains very well how opening yourself to your sexuality raises up all these questions that you never even thought about. And I borrow her piece from the book, because it resonates with my thoughts so well:" I had met some lesbians through the girl I'd briefly dated, and I spent time with them, observing them and trying to figure out what it meant to be gay. I soon discovered that I had to figure out what kind of lesbian I was going to be. It was obvious to me almost immediately that I was very different from most other girls. I didn't really fit into either role of "butch" or "femme." I liked wearing makeup and dresses and heels, but I also liked to wear engineer's boots and black tank tops. In the first few months of my coming out to other lesbians, I realized that I was as much a misfit in the gay world as I was in society at large. I was half butch, half femme, neither here nor there. At that point in my life, I didn't understand that playing roles in any relationship is false and will inevitably lead to the relationship's collapse. No one can be any one thing all the time. There is a great deal of lying done while a role is being played in any relationship, homosexual or heterosexual. As I had tried to fit into the sample size clothing, I also tried to fit into a preconceived idea of what it meant to be gay. And any time I try to fit into a mold made by someone else, whether that means sample size clothing or a strict label of "butch" or "femme," I lose myself."

I struggle with that a lot. As if accepting being the lover of the same sex isn't enough of a struggle, now I have to figure out what kind of a same-sex-lover do I want to be. I feel this huge pressure to fit in the role of a lesbian, that I often wonder whether or not I actually am one. I know this might sound awful, but there is this huge expectation from the society that slowly grows to be your own, to be this or that. There is this huge expectation to play this perfect gender roles, that I was never good at, that I refuse to play, but are being requested from me and I am conforming to them and I am not enjoying it the slightest! Why is it so hard for myself and for the rest of the people just to let people be who they are? I am surrounded by some pretty outspoken lesbians, that just love love love love who they are. Or simply present themselves very well. And I talk to them about music, movies, books, gender roles, and find it really hard to find the connection. Maybe huge part of it playes the fact that I grew up in a society that has no lesbian role models to look up to, where being gay is considered some kind of a nature abomination. But maybe, once again I am just that bit different lesbian that refuses to believe that being a lesbian is all that I am. Soon after I finished reading Porsha's book, I came across an interview with Ana Matronic and this amazing words, that made me feel just a bit more normal in the lesbian/female world: "I don't like identifying as gay or straight or even bisexual. I don't necessarily like identifying as a woman. I identify as a human being and I enjoy distinctions being taken away. I believe in human rights. We should treat each other exactly the same whoever we are. The rigid constructs put into place to define us don't really work."

That is possibly the essence of mine, human being, I AM A HUMAN BEING. I LOVE SAYING THAT! I was always the defender of the weak ones (once I stopped acting like a bully), I always believed that no child, animal, person, man, woman, should suffer and struggle for food, water, jobs, place to live. I always believed in the equal human rights for all the people of this world and in treating animals and the planet we live on with love and respect that they deserve. This is the essence of who I am. I am human, and I love it.

Hope this year brings even shorter hair, less dresses and high heels, occasional make up, more pants and some fabulous flat shoes. To the free styled, unique, and no barriers self! Live, laugh, love.

kids and gadgets

I’m looking at all these new age parents and their rush and battle with the technology and can’t help thinking and wondering where did we as human beings fucked up. Seems like you can’t really be a parent now if you don’t own ipad, iPod, sony playwhatever, dvd player for the car and all the rest of the modern technology gadgets that gives you a false sense of buying and having more time. It amazes me what parents would do just so their kid would not cry in the public. The speed in which they take out all these gadgets and the level of the child’s upset is something I will never get used to. It’s like it’s the matter of life and death. What are we creating? In whose hands are we leaving planet earth? Seems to me that our society does slowly but surely travels to the wall-e creation. Not saying I’m not part of that reality, after all, I’m typing these exact words on my “smart” phone just so I won’t forget the criticism of modern society.
Mary and I were at this Italian place recently. There were two families having a meal at the same time as we did. Now, my guessing was that they were there to spend some quality time with their kids, while having the pleasure to enjoy some good food as well. Two families, 5 kids in total. All under age of 7. 3 of them were enjoying their food while playing on their own ipads each. The other two kids were stuffing themselves with frozen, microwave heated profiteroles. Parents? Well parents were talking to each other. How the school starts soon, how things are expensive, how society is fucked up. It was like the kids did not exist at all. They were completely invisible. No interaction, not a single question was addressed to any of those 5 kids. They were lost in their virtual world. In my eyes that did not look like a quality time spent with the family, with the kids.

So, it made me wonder, were they just buying some quiet time for themselves? I mean, they did not have to cook, kids were fed and pretty quiet and in their own world, separate world I might as well add, and they had a pretty decent chit chat with someone they probably will never meet again. I can’t help but wonder, why go through all that trouble? To bring 3 kids to a restaurant is not a simple task. Dressing them all, putting them in a car, checking if all went to the toilet, checking if they brought everything they needed. Were they just giving themselves a false impression of spending some time with their kids? Do we live in a society where quiet kids mean, by default, happy kids?

follow your heart

I'm standing before two roads.
One leads back home to Serbia, second one offers an opportunity to stay in Ireland and start a life here. New life. Life I'm possibly already living.
I am torn between those two roads. Don't know which one will be the smartest to choose to continue with.
They say follow your heart, but what if my heart is at two places at the same time?
At this point I see both as a win-win and lose-lose situation.
Can't say one is better than the other.
When I think about home, I think about my dog and my friends. I think about all the familiar things, I think about 20 years filled with memories, good and bad, think about how easy is to express myself in a language that is so mine and so familiar. I also think about all the struggles, and issues and the close minded life with no freedom to be fully who I am.
When I think about Ireland, I think about the freedom to be whoever I am and whoever I want to be. I think about all the choices that don't exist in Serbia. After all the differences that I became used to, after finding love I was searching for, after making new friendships and relations, can I say, yes this is the life I want to live?
When I entered my late 20s and when I turned 30 it became clear to me that I have to stop wandering and that I have to settle. Meaning, I have to find a base and need to start living. Need to make a choice that I'm gonna have to live with. I am scared. I am scared that I'll make the wrong decision. I'm scared I'll go back home and leave a pretty decent life here for a really hot summer and long cuddles with my dog.
I had a lovely chat about this topic with friend of mine today, she said, look, whatever you choose, it will be ok, it will be the best choice for you. you just have to leave all the baggage from your previous life in your previous life. and yes, follow your heart, but ask yourself where will you, or where are you happy. don't forget where are you happy.
I am going home soon. I have so little time here left. Not enough time for the Mary and I story.
The fear is taking over me and my actions. I know that. And I'm not here any more, but not home yet.

i'm worth being loved...

... is one of the affirmations I have on my wall back at home.
it's been there for about a year now. close to it is another affirmation, saying "I'm enough".
Those two things are something I have been struggling with my entire life. And I still am, very much indeed.
I heard something today that got stuck with me and the timing couldn't be more perfect.
I was watching Oprah today and in one of the chats with her guest she said following "Most of us think and believe we deserve love, and the truth is, we do, we all do. But what we don't think or believe is that we are actually worth it as well. And those are two very different things."
I recently started seeing someone. And from the very first moment, things were/are pretty intense and big, enormous. Both beautiful and scary. We both often asks each other and ourselves, is this too good to be true, or is it just good and true? I remember the first week of our 'not-so-official-relationship' I emailed my friend saying, this is going to be big. I was overwhelmed by emotions I was receiving and experiencing and I cried. From the beauty of what I was feeling. Little that we knew then is that crying was going to be one of the things I keep doing when things become 'too something'. She just keeps laughing, when thing become 'too something' for her. And I love that about her.
In the same interview Oprah's guest said something very close to this experience. And something I was struggling to define. And something that was around my mind the past few weeks. She said how she was wishing for love all of her life, but was never really feeling it. She knew it was there, but never really embraced it, never really let it in. And the moment when she did that, was when she was fighting cancer and her friends and family were by her side and were just giving her love. Once she really felt it, and let it get in, she cried. She cried because she finally believed she was worth of the love that was surrounding her. Crying because, after so much love that she was giving to the others trough the years, it was her time to receive that love.
Funny enough, I said to my dearest friend Dunja something very similar yesterday when I was talking to her about Mary ( aka my significant other). I said "You know what, I feel like I was giving so much love to so many people in my life, and always just giving. But now, maybe for the first time in my life, I'm in a situation where I'm getting that love." What I later said to Mary was also, I feel like the time has come for me to receive the love that you are giving to me.

It is scary experience, and I have days when I would just love to run from it all, because that is what I would usually do, it's very 'safe' thing to do, very familiar. There are days when I just can't believe how lucky I am to have someone like Mary in my life.
And there are days when I just can't get enough of her in my life.

I'm not gonna say, yes finally I do believe I am worth all the love I am receiving, it will take some time.
But I will say this, as an ultimate thank you to the universe, she is probably everything I ever wanted in someone to love.

The Beauty of Reiki

I was first introduced to reiki this past summer when I was trying to resolve health issues related to my thyroid. I loved it from the first moment. My body and mind were fighting so strong against it, because realizing how much pain was actually stuck in my body in never easy. I cried, I laughed, I sobbed, and finally lost myself in the beauty of the energy I was receiving. After that first session, I was initiated and 'became' a reiki student of first level. Meaning I was able to perform reiki sessions on my own, for my own well being. And I did. I was a perfect student. And I have discovered that besides the pain my body was stuck in I also had this huge and pure love to give and feel, but mainly to accept.
After my thyroid removal surgery I felt so good that ( like most things in my life ) I stopped practicing it. The moment I felt good, I stopped doing whatever helped me to feel good. And although I keep repeating my mantras on a daily basis, the sole act of taking and giving back the earth energy was gone from my daily habit.
For the last month I'm not feeling that great. I wouldn't say this or that is wrong, but as I keep trying to listen to my body and it's needs, I realized that my body isn't in a shape or state as when I moved to Ireland just two months ago.
One of the reasons for feeling shitty is the poor and awful food I've been eating. I grew up in a country where moms still cook daily and where food is still good and has taste. Irish people eat mainly frozen food. Ready, pre cooked meals, with lots of additives, artificial colors and all the E numbers. I never thought that being a vegetarian would be so hard here. But the truth is, I have nothing to eat. Even finding basic veggies is a struggle. And I keep begging my hosts not to buy frozen vegetarian food, but they keep doing it. But I'm sticking to my decision, I'm not gonna eat frozen, ready to go food. My body is feeling heavy and without energy.
In order to feel better and to keep my system running I go for a daily walks. Anything between 3 and 6 km is my daily routine. During these walks I have discovered that my heart isn't really working properly. Meaning I'm experiencing some irregular heart beats and occasional pain. So, I have decided to schedule a reiki session with someone I feel really connected to.
First thing my friend said to me was: 'I wanna check if you love yourself'. And I started crying. And I kept crying for the next hour. Throughout the whole reiki session. I just cried. He said:'Put your hand on your chest and say to yourself: I love myself'. I wasn't able to do it. Mostly because I felt like those words would be a lie. Because i didn't feel it. The one and only love you need in life. I wasn't feeling it. At the same time, I felt the love in my body, I felt, once again, this enourmous amount of love floating in my body, but not for myself. After I was finally able to say those words, it didn't feel liberating, it felt much needed and painful at the same time.
Reiki is supposed to unblock your energy centers and make your life energy float freely trough your body. During the session, as he was moving from one chakra to another I kept crying more and more, and I was facing so much of an emotional pain that I couldn't simply believe it. My body was shivering, I wasn't able to breathe, I wasn't able to release the energy, but after a long time I finally felt my body and all it's pain that was still remembering. I know I was crying and experiencing this awful emotional pain, but whole experience was pleasant. You feel this life energy moving trough your body and settling in all the places you need it. Above all, you feel love and that someone is nurturing your body, mind and soul in unspoken, the most honest and sincerest way possible.
After we were finished, and after I was able to breathe normally again I just felt the deepest and most profound gratitude I have ever felt. My friend said, don't hit me when you get up, i said, i will hug you.
And I did, with all the love he gave me, and all the understanding he had for me.

Looking forward to 2013

I haven't been here for quite long time. And it feels like I'm just writing my first post again. Have no idea where to start and what is it that I want to say. But let's face it, my every post is like that. Just a pure production of words building up in my mind, body and soul.
As most of you know, I'm in Ireland at the moment. It's going to be two months in just few days since I arrived to Blackrock. But I feel like I've been here my entire life.

If you were reading my previous posts you know that this year was indeed life changing for me. I went trough so many ups and downs, I have entered the world of my sexuality openly and clearly, I moved across the world and finally I feel I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in this moment in my life. And it's safe to say, once again, that everything happens for a reason and there are no coincidences. Just choices we make and the path we pave ourselves.

First book I bought when I arrived here was Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I highly recommend it if you are on a path of self discovery and if you lost yourself and feeling a bit clueless. It's not one of those life changing books that you praise as your new bible, but rather an honest approach to a complicated life of a single 30 year old female. And let me tell you, if you are going trough a break up, it's the book you would wanna read. If you are going trough any type of a meltdown, you want to read this book.It's honest above all and god knows I needed some honesty at the end of this year.

So, what have I learned in the past year?

Is there an easier question I can ask myself today?

Maybe, but I'm ready for a challenge.

I've learned I have the most amazing friends in the world and I wouldn't change them for anything. They have been here for me when I needed them, in my most awful states of mind, in my most wonderful states of my mind. When I was terribly sick, when I was finally over with the pain, when I was heartbroken, angry, sad, happy, free, coming out, leaving the country. I also learned that I can be brutally honest with each and every one of them. That they keep returning me back to my life path, that they are the wind in my wings and that they will always be happy for me no matter where am I and how good or bad I feel. Talking about full acceptance of my being... That's the feeling I have. So, 2012 thank you for my wonderful friends and thank you for teaching me how to appreciate their presence in my life and how to be grateful for their friendship.

I've learned that being vulnerable is a strength. I've learned that I don't have to be always strong or perfect or brave. I've learned that crying is good for my soul. And I cried a lot in 2012. There were times when I was thinking I'm never gonna stop crying. I cried all day and all night until the last drop of the pain I've been holding for the past 29 years was cried out. I've learned that I can talk about my emotions, feelings, joy, happiness or sorrow with almost anyone. I also learned how to accept all the pain I was holding back. I learned how to embrace my flaws, i learned I have this incredibly big love inside myself and I learned that the more I love myself, the more love I have to give. Now, that being said, please Universe, send me someone to give this love to. ( one more thing I learned about myself this year, is that I'm actually funny, or my mind is, or it could be that Ireland does that to me :)) So, 2012, thank you for giving me once more chance to change my life and for sending love to my life. The gift of love is just something I'm forever gonna be grateful.

I've learned that the time is really the only thing we have to give and share. Our relationships are messed up with negative emotions or constant chasing for more of this and that. But the secret of life is really simple. Use your time on earth wisely. That's the big secret of life. Just appreciate the time you have. With your loved ones, with your family, friends, pets, lovers. Acknowledge the presence of certain people in your life. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them what impact they have on you, or just be honest with them. But above all, speak your mind. Don't hold back anything, but also be gentle and not selfish with your words. And remember to tell people you love them, you never know if you gonna have another chance to say that. There is no better time than now to tell someone you love them. So, 2012, thank you for teaching me how easy is to say to someone that I love them, how easy it is to acknowledge someones presence in my life and how selfish I can be in my needs.

I also learned that I cannot run away from life. But I'm ready for the challenge I'm currently facing. I choose not to talk about it here, but it is a big one.


I also learned there is still a lot I need to learn about life, love, people, myself and the world. And I can't imagine a better place than Ireland for that. At least for now.

So, 2012, thank you for being life changing. I can only hope that the best is yet to come and that I will remain the student of life in 2013 as well.

Sandra

Sean Patrick Inspire Me Today

Are you what people call a "spiritual" person? I think I am - I like to meditate, say affirmations, drink herbal tea and pray. However, I also like to dance to hip hop music, drink coffee and keep up with the Kardashians.

You see, if you're anything like me, you're a spiritual seeker in a modern world, carrying a yoga mat in one hand and a vanilla latte in the other. You may find it challenging to balance your joy-seeking side with your human side, however, the good news is that we don't have to choose between our spiritual selves and our human selves, we just have to choose between what brings us joy and what brings us misery.

I believe that being spiritual is not just something that you are, it's something you do. It's a moment-by-moment choice to keep peace as your only intention and love as your only action. It is to become unbound by the thoughts that cause you to judge and the emotions that cause you to hurt.

It is common for us to get caught up in wanting to look like a spiritual person, read the right books, say the right words and sit cross-legged whilst we meditate. We can often get so distracted with how we think things are supposed to look that we forget to see the beauty in the coffee cup in our hands and remember that the Universe is always placing us exactly we are meant to be. We can discard our trip to the coffee shop as a spiritual experience because we think that it is far too ordinary, but that's the thing about the Universe - it often disguises the most beautiful things in what we call mundane.

We live in a modern, fast-paced world and there is no reason why we can't be spiritual on the go. There is a check-list that I like to complete as often as I can that helps me remain phenomenally grateful for mundane things and keep my spiritual cap on when faced with situations that are challenging to me....

Thank the Universe for the fact I woke up [check]
Give thanks for the bed that kept me comfortable all night [check]
Meditate a.k.a. Prepare my mind for miracles [check]
Send love to somebody... just coz I can [check]
Be gentle with myself and remember how far I've already come [check]
And then I say this prayer: 'Dear Universe, I do not know what is best for me today so I leave the blessings in your hands.'

So, when you've finally done all that you can do, when you've read every self-help book that you can read, when you've just about hurt all that you can hurt, when you've given everything you've gotten and when you're tired of controlling situation after situation... let go and turn inward. Your treasure was there all along (whether you've sat cross-legged or not)!

Daily Love Quote - Forgiveness

"First, we have to face the notion that in order to consider forgiving someone we must have been blaming them for something. We must have anger, resentment, blame, even hatred going on in order to feel the need to forgive. Forgiveness is really an act of letting go, releasing the anger, the hatred, the bitterness, the thoughts of revenge that we have been carrying around. We can do this letting go without even encountering the person we want to forgive. We forgive by releasing all resentment, anger, and bitterness and thus set ourselves free from the negative feelings that weaken us. First we have to get past blame. Then we have to learn to send love to all."

"Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and your spirituality, and it remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally. To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds. Forgiveness is a spiritual act of love for yourself and it sends a message to everyone, including yourself, that you are an object of love and that that is what you are going to impart."

- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

DailyOM:Staying in Pain

Pain can serve as one of life's great teachers, but it is important to move through it and not become stuck in our pain.



Pain comes and it goes. It is just one component to the grand cycle of life. And when experienced as such, pain can serve as an important teacher. It is when we get stuck in our pain that it becomes detrimental to our well-being and development. If you notice that you feel closed-off, resentful, heavy-hearted, or that you try very hard to avoid being hurt again, there may be a part of you that is still stuck in pain.

We can get stuck in our pain for many reasons. As children, it was natural for us to cry, throw a tantrum, and let the experience move through us. By fully feeling our pain in this way, our emotions would wash us clean, leaving us open and available to new experiences. With age, though, we might have determined that expressing emotion was no longer appropriate, and so we developed a variety of coping strategies to deal with our discomfort. We may have learned to stuff our feelings down or to run away from them. Perhaps we began thinking that staying closed and unwilling to try new things would keep us safe from heartbreak, safe from rejection, and safe from failure. We may have even gotten so used to being in pain that the thought of being without it scares us. But, if we continue to hold onto it longer than necessary, we are expending a lot of energy that could instead be channeled into making our life experiences more positive.

If you notice that you are continually connecting with the same familiar patterns of pain, consider embracing your feelings and letting go of your hurt. Whether your pain is from childhood or from an experience last week, see if you can give it room to move. When it does, you will reconnect with a wonderful source of your own vital energy.

There's no need to be angry, it's ok to be sad

Dear Tristan,


I'm writing this letter as if I'm writing a thank you letter to my dearest friend.

Couple of months ago I mentioned you in one of my tweets, and you were really kind enough to reply to it. I was at the beginning of a break up that kept going on and on, and I was really asking myself the other day, just as you are in "My oh My" - how many times can we say goodbye. You said the most amazing thing to me then, you said: hang in their sweet pea.. it's just the process of what has to happen...it will pass. & u will come out better than b4. i know it Sucks tho. sending you love love love.

And I was so looking forward to your new album, because I knew it will give me answers I was looking for, the kind of strenght I wasn't finding, even though I was trying. And every time I would bump to a new song on a youtube I was over the top excited, because every new song and every word written just touched my soul, and helped me accept the reality - which was the break up that had to have an end.

I played "Marry you" so many times, day after day, after day, that I think I know every live version on yt I could find. And every day it hurted a bit less. I love that song to pieces, and never believed that someone who I don't even know in person, can so easily describe exact thoughts and feelings and fears I was experiencing in the past months. I don't cry anymore when that song is playing. It still hurts, the experience, but I think I collected the pieces of me.

For the past few days I was rereading your blog. I don't know why. Just felt right to me. And I found so many affirmations I just had to put on my wall. It was an eye opening. I always admired your ability to be so openly vulnerable and to deal so publicly with your pain, and I admire even more your strenght and the better version of yourself after everything you went trough.

On your blog I found a song Come Clean, and for some reason I googled it, and like the Universe was on my side at that moment, one of the hits was an online version of Cedar+Gold. It was just at the right moment in time, because my ex just came back to my reality the day before. And I was screaming noooooo, I don't want you here, not now, not again, you're no good for me. And as soon as I played Cedar+Gold it was a full circle for me. The end of the agony. A closure I much needed. I can't even describe what was I feeling at that moment when Say Anything started playing. I cried, like a baby. I was happy, excited, like I came home, jumping, smiling, laughing my heart out, and then crying every emotion I kept inside of me. What a boost of energy, happiness, strength, acceptance. Like I finally gave myself permission to be ok, to put everything that happened behind me. never ever had I thought the music will have that influence on me. That the music will give this to me.

I was crazy on my twitter yesterday, as you saw, but I just had to share the joy I was experiencing.

Today my friend tweeted this about your album: this album is amazing !!!! My reply was this:i feel like it came out of my heart!to me is so healing.i love it!just amazing!
She wrote one thing to that statement of mine: best description about music..ever

And I cried. Because your music, this album really feels like I wrote it. Every word has a healing energy. With every words I'm closer to myself. With every note I'm in a better place. It just gives me a lot of hope I started losing.

And for that, my dearest Tristan, I'm forever grateful to you.

If we stay quiet about it,it will go away

Today I have decided to talk to you about a topic that is really hard for me. Child sexual abuse. Why this topic? Because as a child I was a victim of a sexual abuse. Happened only once, but it did happen. Why am I talking about it now, here? Because it's important not be quiet, because I don't want to ignore it anymore.
When this whole thyroid thing started, I said to one of my doctors, sometimes I think that all of my problems started with that one afternoon when a total stranger took me down to a basemant and performed whatever he performed. I was a "lucky one" - he was a serial child molester and he raped a huge number of girls, all about the same age as me 4-6. He didn't penetrate me, but he did perform everything else. Only god saved me, or universe, or anything else you chose to believe in. It was the scariest experience ever! It's still in my memory. Every bit of that afternoon. Sometimes it's really hard when you keep realizing that's pretty much one and only memory from my childhood. I have good and bad days, sometimes I can talk about it without any problem at all, and on other times, I'll cry, lose my voice, have troubles breathing. At right this moment my heart is beating really fast.
It's something I'm still learning to live with. I don't blame myself anymore. There were times when I did, but not anymore.
I'm not ashamed of it, it's not something that defines me, but to me it is important to talk about it. Because when all this happened, my parents decided to do only thing they new about, to ignore it and not to talk about it and I think they were hoping it will go away. It didn't. I still remember what I was wearing that day. They were young parents, not very well educated, '80s - so I get it. I get why they were quiet, but I want everyone to know, it's important not to be quiet about it.
If you as a child somehow manage to cope with the guilt and realising it was not your fault, there are still lots of emotions and anxiety you need to work on.
I had lots of problems later. First of all, my bed was weat every night until I was 8-9 years old. I prefered staying in house and not going out playing with other kids. I just closed myself in a world that was my own and I tried my best to be as perfect as I can. I still have that irrational request towards myself: I have to be perfect! And that, my friends is something that is really hard to live with. And I worked really hard to be perfect. I was the best student in school, I was taking all the possible afterschool activities I could, I was reading 3 books a day, cleaning the house and taking care of my older sister. All at the age of 7-8. And I was never good enough. I seeked for validation, day after day, after day and I was never good enough. I was so 'perfect' that making one mistake was not tolerated by my inner self, or my parents. And I made a lot of mistakes, changing sexual partners in my teen years, drinking lots and lots and lots, just to name few. All in a search for validation, for approval. That I'm good enough, even when I don't behave in the most perfect possible way.
25 years later, I'm stuck with the thyroid problem. It could be that the sexual abuse triggered it. Because the core of my condititon is the sentence "I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect." . Try just one day to live with that request towards yourself.

The bottom line is, don't be quiet about a single thing. Being quiet will kill you from the inside. Trying to ignore bad things in life will just make them bigger and bigger until they reach the point where they will explode. No matter how hard the problem of a sexual abuse, or any type of abuse is, SPEAK UP! Talk about it, learn to cope with it, don't keep it to yourself.

What wiki has to say: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse

Alter ego

My beauty, my heroine, inspiration.