Next Chapter

I've been sitting in front of the blank paper for more than an hour now. Once again I have all these different emotions, words, feeling and thoughts inside of me, and once again I can't seem to put the out.
For quite some time I've been struggling to figure out what's the purpose of my life, and wherever I look I just see the NO sign. I'm not getting any younger, maybe not even smarter, so how and when will I see the YES?

Gratitude

Today I'm grateful for Jason Mraz.

I'm grateful to be able to hear the amazing words that express all my thoughts, feelings, laughter, sorrow, love, in a way that is so humble and honest, it's almost like he is touching my heart with every word.

I'm grateful for feeling gratitude with every song, every word, every tone coming from my speakers.

I'm grateful to see Jason as my friend, despite the fact we never met.

I'm grateful to know him and his music.

With love and joy,

S

a journey

I had my first anxiety attack not so long time ago. it scared me. still does, because I still have small fragments of that attack in my body. The year behind me was, don't quite know how to put that, it was good, but did not do much for my self esteem and my self confidence. Past seven months of this year, were pretty much the same.
And so here I am, at the bottom of the mountain I fell down from, trying to find some small sign that will assure me everything is going to be just fine, as always have been.

FEAR

About a year ago I was asked to describe myself in three words, and one of them was BRAVE.
The truth is, I'm scared. Not a day or even a moment goes by without feeling that paralyzing fear in every cell of my body. I have this whirlwind of thoughts and questions in my head. Am I good enough, am I smart enough, am I a good friend, a good daughter, sister, aunt, employee? Am I beautiful enough? Am I worth enough? Am I worth? Am I enough?

I'm 28, and I assure you that 10 years ago I did not want my life to look like this. And I'm disappointed, and angry, and just want to know what future holds for me. At least a tiny bit of that picture.


I want to see what people saw
I want to feel like I felt before
I'd like to see the kingdom come
I want to feel forever young
I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I belong
I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long
If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
So where's the stars?
Up in the sky
And what's the moon?
A big balloon
We'll never know unless we grow
There's so much world outside the door
I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I'll be strong
I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long
If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Turn, turn, turn, turn
Turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Learn to turn

a Dog Story

For those who do not know, I adopted a dog in August.

A small mixed breed female dog.

I named her Tara.

She is fatty, she has a middle long white soft hair, with three black spots.

I can't even describe the happiness and joy she brings to me, and the love I have for her. I currently work as a babysitter, and each night, when I'm about to open the door, chills go trough my body, because I know that she will jump to lick me, to smell me, and lay down to cuddle her. We sleep together, I like it that way. When she wants me to wake up, she jumps over my head, until I do something. She likes to put her head below my hands, actually she lifts up my arms, and then snuggle her head below them, to hug her. Every morning when she gets back from her peeing, she lies right bellow my knees, you know in that corner you create with your legs during the sleep.

Why am I sad today.

Because my dad said the most hurt able thing ever. I know he was joking, but he did heart me really bad.

He said we could make a really good kebabs from her. Or even we can put her on a spit, and cook her. He added:"We would resolve two problems, having a dog in a house, and a meat for our patron saint - if I got all of these words right in English.

She is jumping around me at the moment, and for the first time I'm sad for that.

New Year, Old Feelings...

I have this enormous destructive energy in myself, that I'm scared off.

If you cannot, I assure you that I can understand those who kill out of rage.

You would not believe how easily the black-out and short switch overcome the beauty we all have inside.

I don't like this evil twin of mine, It's how I like to call it. I hate behaving like a maniac, I hate these destructive feelings and thoughts constantly running around my head.

My wishes for each year combine in my personal mantra: Peace, Love and Understanding.

Will this year be the one where my entire being creates the circle? The whole me?

It remains to be seen.

It didn't start to well, I'm seriously sick, everything hurts me, and everything annoys me.

But do believe in love.