What do I deserve?

Take it slow

The best decision I have ever made. To take it slow. Go day by day. And not to expect too much from myself, but just to try to be happy day by day.

What is love?

I was never so confused in my life.
In a simple world, when two people love each other they end up together and they enjoy in their love.
But since we don't live in a perfect world it happenes that two people in love don't end up together and despite the love they feel and share the only thing that connects them now is the mutual pain for not being able to be together.

Aren't we fools in that case? Aren't we just playing the game? Aren't we crazy for making things so complicated when they indeed are pretty simple?

I admit, I don't want you to let me go. I want you to fight for me! I want you to be able to say how you feel! I want you to trust me! I want you to want me!
Are you?
I'm tired of playing with emotions, I'm tired of not knowing what do you want. I'm tired of you being quiet. I'm tired of the songs and quotes I'm seeing on your fb page. I'm tired of not being able to love you. I'm tired of being said you're sorry, that I already know what do you feel.
I don't know what do you feel. I don't know if you love me or not. I know you loved me once, but can't tell if that still is something you feel for me.
I'm not ready to let you go and I feel like shit everytime I'm being a total bitch towards you.
So, I'm asking you. Are you gonna fight for me? Are you ready to let me go? What do you want from me?

O happy day

Yesterday was AMAZING!
I had fun, I was not angry, I was happy. Loving that feeling!
Loving my life at the moment!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmeoTLGW9KY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Just breathe

What I wouldn't have given to have tired of you.

To do or not to do

When you break up with someone, you need time to heal. To find yourself again, to feel ok, time to stop missing that significant other, time to stop hoping you gonna get back with the owner of your heart.

I need a lot of time for that. I can be joyfull and happy like crazy for some time, but after that I need a lot of time to let go of the person.
I don't need a party, or a rebound, or to lost myself in work. I need to talk about it, I need to cry, I need to listen to the sad break up songs, songs that were ours, watch really sad love movies, just time to be sad.

This is my break up playlist:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJbz5HaKCJc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPI_3U8I0I4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8gDeLprlkE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Movies playlist:
Last night
Before sunset
Dear John
The Notebook
Becoming Jane
And lately High Art...

Help me God (or old me)

I had an intervention. My mom stormed into my room, really pissed off because I'm not ok. And the worst part is, I was crying - some sad song about break up. I couldn't tell her I'm actually ok. That I more and more feel like and old me. Bold, confident, determined, satisfied. She was screaming how I need to change everything. How I need to say f off to everyone and everything and go back to that person who was laughing and dancing and wanted to do everything. How can I explain to her that I lost myself entirely?! That I'm fucking upset because I know I'm not ok and that I don't have enough strenght to fight?! Yes, I want to dance all day long, I want to eat, I want to cook again, I want to make plans, to be happy about the future. I want to feel myself, I want to see colors, I want to run from one place to another and to make people happy because I know to shine like the Sun. I see fragments of that old Sandra. I see that smile, and that wondering faces of others asking who's that girl. But I want to shine for myself. I want to shine again!
I also know deep down inside of me that things have to go slowly. That I have to be sad when I'm sad, that I have to be angry and lost for now. I just need to accept it. I know I'll be ok. I have that strong feeling that I'll be ok. I know it! But can I let myself to be heartbroken for a day or two?