Looking forward to 2013

I haven't been here for quite long time. And it feels like I'm just writing my first post again. Have no idea where to start and what is it that I want to say. But let's face it, my every post is like that. Just a pure production of words building up in my mind, body and soul.
As most of you know, I'm in Ireland at the moment. It's going to be two months in just few days since I arrived to Blackrock. But I feel like I've been here my entire life.

If you were reading my previous posts you know that this year was indeed life changing for me. I went trough so many ups and downs, I have entered the world of my sexuality openly and clearly, I moved across the world and finally I feel I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in this moment in my life. And it's safe to say, once again, that everything happens for a reason and there are no coincidences. Just choices we make and the path we pave ourselves.

First book I bought when I arrived here was Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I highly recommend it if you are on a path of self discovery and if you lost yourself and feeling a bit clueless. It's not one of those life changing books that you praise as your new bible, but rather an honest approach to a complicated life of a single 30 year old female. And let me tell you, if you are going trough a break up, it's the book you would wanna read. If you are going trough any type of a meltdown, you want to read this book.It's honest above all and god knows I needed some honesty at the end of this year.

So, what have I learned in the past year?

Is there an easier question I can ask myself today?

Maybe, but I'm ready for a challenge.

I've learned I have the most amazing friends in the world and I wouldn't change them for anything. They have been here for me when I needed them, in my most awful states of mind, in my most wonderful states of my mind. When I was terribly sick, when I was finally over with the pain, when I was heartbroken, angry, sad, happy, free, coming out, leaving the country. I also learned that I can be brutally honest with each and every one of them. That they keep returning me back to my life path, that they are the wind in my wings and that they will always be happy for me no matter where am I and how good or bad I feel. Talking about full acceptance of my being... That's the feeling I have. So, 2012 thank you for my wonderful friends and thank you for teaching me how to appreciate their presence in my life and how to be grateful for their friendship.

I've learned that being vulnerable is a strength. I've learned that I don't have to be always strong or perfect or brave. I've learned that crying is good for my soul. And I cried a lot in 2012. There were times when I was thinking I'm never gonna stop crying. I cried all day and all night until the last drop of the pain I've been holding for the past 29 years was cried out. I've learned that I can talk about my emotions, feelings, joy, happiness or sorrow with almost anyone. I also learned how to accept all the pain I was holding back. I learned how to embrace my flaws, i learned I have this incredibly big love inside myself and I learned that the more I love myself, the more love I have to give. Now, that being said, please Universe, send me someone to give this love to. ( one more thing I learned about myself this year, is that I'm actually funny, or my mind is, or it could be that Ireland does that to me :)) So, 2012, thank you for giving me once more chance to change my life and for sending love to my life. The gift of love is just something I'm forever gonna be grateful.

I've learned that the time is really the only thing we have to give and share. Our relationships are messed up with negative emotions or constant chasing for more of this and that. But the secret of life is really simple. Use your time on earth wisely. That's the big secret of life. Just appreciate the time you have. With your loved ones, with your family, friends, pets, lovers. Acknowledge the presence of certain people in your life. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them what impact they have on you, or just be honest with them. But above all, speak your mind. Don't hold back anything, but also be gentle and not selfish with your words. And remember to tell people you love them, you never know if you gonna have another chance to say that. There is no better time than now to tell someone you love them. So, 2012, thank you for teaching me how easy is to say to someone that I love them, how easy it is to acknowledge someones presence in my life and how selfish I can be in my needs.

I also learned that I cannot run away from life. But I'm ready for the challenge I'm currently facing. I choose not to talk about it here, but it is a big one.


I also learned there is still a lot I need to learn about life, love, people, myself and the world. And I can't imagine a better place than Ireland for that. At least for now.

So, 2012, thank you for being life changing. I can only hope that the best is yet to come and that I will remain the student of life in 2013 as well.

Sandra

Sean Patrick Inspire Me Today

Are you what people call a "spiritual" person? I think I am - I like to meditate, say affirmations, drink herbal tea and pray. However, I also like to dance to hip hop music, drink coffee and keep up with the Kardashians.

You see, if you're anything like me, you're a spiritual seeker in a modern world, carrying a yoga mat in one hand and a vanilla latte in the other. You may find it challenging to balance your joy-seeking side with your human side, however, the good news is that we don't have to choose between our spiritual selves and our human selves, we just have to choose between what brings us joy and what brings us misery.

I believe that being spiritual is not just something that you are, it's something you do. It's a moment-by-moment choice to keep peace as your only intention and love as your only action. It is to become unbound by the thoughts that cause you to judge and the emotions that cause you to hurt.

It is common for us to get caught up in wanting to look like a spiritual person, read the right books, say the right words and sit cross-legged whilst we meditate. We can often get so distracted with how we think things are supposed to look that we forget to see the beauty in the coffee cup in our hands and remember that the Universe is always placing us exactly we are meant to be. We can discard our trip to the coffee shop as a spiritual experience because we think that it is far too ordinary, but that's the thing about the Universe - it often disguises the most beautiful things in what we call mundane.

We live in a modern, fast-paced world and there is no reason why we can't be spiritual on the go. There is a check-list that I like to complete as often as I can that helps me remain phenomenally grateful for mundane things and keep my spiritual cap on when faced with situations that are challenging to me....

Thank the Universe for the fact I woke up [check]
Give thanks for the bed that kept me comfortable all night [check]
Meditate a.k.a. Prepare my mind for miracles [check]
Send love to somebody... just coz I can [check]
Be gentle with myself and remember how far I've already come [check]
And then I say this prayer: 'Dear Universe, I do not know what is best for me today so I leave the blessings in your hands.'

So, when you've finally done all that you can do, when you've read every self-help book that you can read, when you've just about hurt all that you can hurt, when you've given everything you've gotten and when you're tired of controlling situation after situation... let go and turn inward. Your treasure was there all along (whether you've sat cross-legged or not)!

Daily Love Quote - Forgiveness

"First, we have to face the notion that in order to consider forgiving someone we must have been blaming them for something. We must have anger, resentment, blame, even hatred going on in order to feel the need to forgive. Forgiveness is really an act of letting go, releasing the anger, the hatred, the bitterness, the thoughts of revenge that we have been carrying around. We can do this letting go without even encountering the person we want to forgive. We forgive by releasing all resentment, anger, and bitterness and thus set ourselves free from the negative feelings that weaken us. First we have to get past blame. Then we have to learn to send love to all."

"Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and your spirituality, and it remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally. To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds. Forgiveness is a spiritual act of love for yourself and it sends a message to everyone, including yourself, that you are an object of love and that that is what you are going to impart."

- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

DailyOM:Staying in Pain

Pain can serve as one of life's great teachers, but it is important to move through it and not become stuck in our pain.



Pain comes and it goes. It is just one component to the grand cycle of life. And when experienced as such, pain can serve as an important teacher. It is when we get stuck in our pain that it becomes detrimental to our well-being and development. If you notice that you feel closed-off, resentful, heavy-hearted, or that you try very hard to avoid being hurt again, there may be a part of you that is still stuck in pain.

We can get stuck in our pain for many reasons. As children, it was natural for us to cry, throw a tantrum, and let the experience move through us. By fully feeling our pain in this way, our emotions would wash us clean, leaving us open and available to new experiences. With age, though, we might have determined that expressing emotion was no longer appropriate, and so we developed a variety of coping strategies to deal with our discomfort. We may have learned to stuff our feelings down or to run away from them. Perhaps we began thinking that staying closed and unwilling to try new things would keep us safe from heartbreak, safe from rejection, and safe from failure. We may have even gotten so used to being in pain that the thought of being without it scares us. But, if we continue to hold onto it longer than necessary, we are expending a lot of energy that could instead be channeled into making our life experiences more positive.

If you notice that you are continually connecting with the same familiar patterns of pain, consider embracing your feelings and letting go of your hurt. Whether your pain is from childhood or from an experience last week, see if you can give it room to move. When it does, you will reconnect with a wonderful source of your own vital energy.

There's no need to be angry, it's ok to be sad

Dear Tristan,


I'm writing this letter as if I'm writing a thank you letter to my dearest friend.

Couple of months ago I mentioned you in one of my tweets, and you were really kind enough to reply to it. I was at the beginning of a break up that kept going on and on, and I was really asking myself the other day, just as you are in "My oh My" - how many times can we say goodbye. You said the most amazing thing to me then, you said: hang in their sweet pea.. it's just the process of what has to happen...it will pass. & u will come out better than b4. i know it Sucks tho. sending you love love love.

And I was so looking forward to your new album, because I knew it will give me answers I was looking for, the kind of strenght I wasn't finding, even though I was trying. And every time I would bump to a new song on a youtube I was over the top excited, because every new song and every word written just touched my soul, and helped me accept the reality - which was the break up that had to have an end.

I played "Marry you" so many times, day after day, after day, that I think I know every live version on yt I could find. And every day it hurted a bit less. I love that song to pieces, and never believed that someone who I don't even know in person, can so easily describe exact thoughts and feelings and fears I was experiencing in the past months. I don't cry anymore when that song is playing. It still hurts, the experience, but I think I collected the pieces of me.

For the past few days I was rereading your blog. I don't know why. Just felt right to me. And I found so many affirmations I just had to put on my wall. It was an eye opening. I always admired your ability to be so openly vulnerable and to deal so publicly with your pain, and I admire even more your strenght and the better version of yourself after everything you went trough.

On your blog I found a song Come Clean, and for some reason I googled it, and like the Universe was on my side at that moment, one of the hits was an online version of Cedar+Gold. It was just at the right moment in time, because my ex just came back to my reality the day before. And I was screaming noooooo, I don't want you here, not now, not again, you're no good for me. And as soon as I played Cedar+Gold it was a full circle for me. The end of the agony. A closure I much needed. I can't even describe what was I feeling at that moment when Say Anything started playing. I cried, like a baby. I was happy, excited, like I came home, jumping, smiling, laughing my heart out, and then crying every emotion I kept inside of me. What a boost of energy, happiness, strength, acceptance. Like I finally gave myself permission to be ok, to put everything that happened behind me. never ever had I thought the music will have that influence on me. That the music will give this to me.

I was crazy on my twitter yesterday, as you saw, but I just had to share the joy I was experiencing.

Today my friend tweeted this about your album: this album is amazing !!!! My reply was this:i feel like it came out of my heart!to me is so healing.i love it!just amazing!
She wrote one thing to that statement of mine: best description about music..ever

And I cried. Because your music, this album really feels like I wrote it. Every word has a healing energy. With every words I'm closer to myself. With every note I'm in a better place. It just gives me a lot of hope I started losing.

And for that, my dearest Tristan, I'm forever grateful to you.

If we stay quiet about it,it will go away

Today I have decided to talk to you about a topic that is really hard for me. Child sexual abuse. Why this topic? Because as a child I was a victim of a sexual abuse. Happened only once, but it did happen. Why am I talking about it now, here? Because it's important not be quiet, because I don't want to ignore it anymore.
When this whole thyroid thing started, I said to one of my doctors, sometimes I think that all of my problems started with that one afternoon when a total stranger took me down to a basemant and performed whatever he performed. I was a "lucky one" - he was a serial child molester and he raped a huge number of girls, all about the same age as me 4-6. He didn't penetrate me, but he did perform everything else. Only god saved me, or universe, or anything else you chose to believe in. It was the scariest experience ever! It's still in my memory. Every bit of that afternoon. Sometimes it's really hard when you keep realizing that's pretty much one and only memory from my childhood. I have good and bad days, sometimes I can talk about it without any problem at all, and on other times, I'll cry, lose my voice, have troubles breathing. At right this moment my heart is beating really fast.
It's something I'm still learning to live with. I don't blame myself anymore. There were times when I did, but not anymore.
I'm not ashamed of it, it's not something that defines me, but to me it is important to talk about it. Because when all this happened, my parents decided to do only thing they new about, to ignore it and not to talk about it and I think they were hoping it will go away. It didn't. I still remember what I was wearing that day. They were young parents, not very well educated, '80s - so I get it. I get why they were quiet, but I want everyone to know, it's important not to be quiet about it.
If you as a child somehow manage to cope with the guilt and realising it was not your fault, there are still lots of emotions and anxiety you need to work on.
I had lots of problems later. First of all, my bed was weat every night until I was 8-9 years old. I prefered staying in house and not going out playing with other kids. I just closed myself in a world that was my own and I tried my best to be as perfect as I can. I still have that irrational request towards myself: I have to be perfect! And that, my friends is something that is really hard to live with. And I worked really hard to be perfect. I was the best student in school, I was taking all the possible afterschool activities I could, I was reading 3 books a day, cleaning the house and taking care of my older sister. All at the age of 7-8. And I was never good enough. I seeked for validation, day after day, after day and I was never good enough. I was so 'perfect' that making one mistake was not tolerated by my inner self, or my parents. And I made a lot of mistakes, changing sexual partners in my teen years, drinking lots and lots and lots, just to name few. All in a search for validation, for approval. That I'm good enough, even when I don't behave in the most perfect possible way.
25 years later, I'm stuck with the thyroid problem. It could be that the sexual abuse triggered it. Because the core of my condititon is the sentence "I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect." . Try just one day to live with that request towards yourself.

The bottom line is, don't be quiet about a single thing. Being quiet will kill you from the inside. Trying to ignore bad things in life will just make them bigger and bigger until they reach the point where they will explode. No matter how hard the problem of a sexual abuse, or any type of abuse is, SPEAK UP! Talk about it, learn to cope with it, don't keep it to yourself.

What wiki has to say: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse

Alter ego

My beauty, my heroine, inspiration.

A quote by lovely Tristan Prettyman

I just love her to pieces.

I dont want to be with someone who is not ready for me, I want to be with someone who cant get enough of me.

On that note, one more quote about self love.

"Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truly a practice."

- Thich Nhat Hanh

The Secret Of Surrender Seeing The Illusion by Madisyn Taylor

Surrender should be seen as a great strength and comes when we let go of trying to attain the impossible.

Most of us were raised and live in a culture that emphasizes the ideals of independence and control. The general idea is that we are on our own and we don’t need any help from anyone else, and if we are really successful it’s because we are in complete control. However, true lasting success comes only with surrender, which is the opposite of control. We cannot accomplish anything truly great on our own, without any help, and the idea that we can is an illusion that causes most of us a great deal of suffering. Surrender comes when we see that illusion and let go of trying to attain the impossible. Surrender can then be seen as a great strength rather than a weakness. Even small moments of surrender are powerful indicators of how different our lives could be if we would only let go. We’ve all had the experience of extending huge amounts of effort and energy to reach a particular goal only to realize that we can’t make it happen after all. At the moment of letting go, realizing that we need to ask for help or simply release our agenda entirely, a profound feeling of relief may rush over us. This warm, open sensation is the essence of surrender, and if we didn’t feel that we didn’t really let go. But it is never too late to let go, even of things in the past that didn’t work out the way we wanted them to, because surrender is always an option in every moment of our lives. When we finally do surrender, our goals actually become possible, because the act of surrender is, in essence, asking for the help we need. This help may come in the form of other human beings or unseen helpers such as angels or inner guides. It may also come in the form of shifting circumstances, the small miracles that we call grace.

Family

Whole of my life I have this problem to relate to my family. And my entire life I'm searching for that feeling that will fill out the empty place in my soul saved just for the 'i'm home' emotions. I was lucky enough to find that place of a peace couple of times.
One thing that gave me and still gives me 'i'm home' feelings, is my dog. I feel safe, accepted, loved. Geneva was like that, Dunja gives me that feeling and I'm not even there jet, but this particular family from Ireland already made me feel like I belong, like I'm a part of their family already. I just hope I'm not wrong and I hope that leaving my dog for a year will be worth it and that I will spread my wings and be able to fly to my freedom.

Today's Brilliance™: Lorna Nicholson

Live your life with passion! ~ Lorna Schultz Nicholson If I could share 500 words of wisdom to summarize what I've learned so far in life, these are the important things I'd want to pass along to others... Life is about passion, finding something to do that makes you excited and gives you a reason to live. That something can be anything. Too many people are afraid to live passionately because they fear they won't be successful at their passion. Yes, some people, like professional musicians, actors and athletes, make millions of dollars doing what they love and that is fantastic. Unfortunately, so many people look at them and say, "I can't do that. I'm not good enough at my passion." So they give up and live a life that is safe. But, honestly, pursuing your passion doesn't mean you have to make millions of dollars doing it. Think of the woman, who at the age of 50, felt unfilled in her life so she decided to take an art class. As a young girl she loved art class, and always got A's. Was she going to quit her job and take up painting at the age of 50? No. She still had a mortgage to pay. In the class, she created some beautiful water colors that she ended up framing so they could hang on her walls. The first day she went to the class she was petrified that she wouldn't be any good. Once there, however, she relaxed and remembered how much she loved to paint. Now, she can be seen outside, on sunny Saturdays, painting to her heart's content. So... what if a person says, "I can do it", and then it doesn't work? Do you give up on your passion? There was a man who overcame his fear, took the plunge and tried to be a professional actor. He went to audition after audition. Some parts he got but many he didn't. It came to the point where he couldn't be a decent father and husband while trying to work as an actor so he went back to his teaching job. Once back at school, he decided to take on the job of directing the school musical and at first he was intimidated that the students wouldn't respond to him. After all, he'd never been a director. He soon found out that the children were like sponges and it thrilled him to watch them perform. Now, he has retired from teaching and he is a community theatre actor, and having the time of his life. He often gets the lead roles, and he doesn't make a penny, but he graces the stage with an immense amount of passion. Instead of giving up, he broadened his focus and learned that he could still pursue his passion, but it just had to be in another way. So, go on, live your life with passion and find something to do that fills you with joy. It can be quilting, painting, acting, being a good parent, coaching a soccer team, writing in a journal, writing poetry that you post online, playing ladies hockey, old timers soccer, rock climbing ...anything that gives you that spark. If you're lucky enough to make money at it, great, and if not, then just enjoy the wonderful feeling of being alive!

Fear of letting go

I've been reading a lot lately. One of the books I wasn't able to put down was "The Power of Now" by Tolle. And there is a chapter in which he talks about being used to the pain. It's the pattern we paved on our own in many aspects in our life, and we are so comfortable with that very well know road that we keep inviting and creating even more pain, just feeding it from the inside. It was one of the chapters that really ringed a bell in my body, mind and soul, and for the very first time I asked myself:"Do I love pain, am I in a constant search for it? All the fights that happen every day, am I inviting them myself?"
And it got me thinking today, what if this whole thyroid thing is something I use as core definition of my inner self? What if I use the thyroid as an excuse for not doing this or that, or doing this and that. What if I did replace most of my identity with the general "I'm sick, it's not me, it's my thyroid" sentence? Could it be that my fear from this operation comes from that place of losing an exuse of acting or doing things in a certain, very familiar way? I'm not saying that is the case, I'm not saying that is not the case. But for the first time I really looked deep down inside myself and really tried to feel the fear I have. What if I lose who I was? What if I don't lose who I was? Those are the questions I create around that fear. But the main thing is related to the fear of losing a part of me. A part I became so much identifed with. A part that is not allowing me to say:"Hey girl, you can do this! It will be the best it can be! You can handle it! You WILL be ok!". And as I was writing that I just realized, that was my 'identity' before I willingly lost it and replaced it with "no I can't, i'm sick".
Being a victim - such a strong and easy to play role. Wow!

What if my purpose in life is to be a nanny?

I wrote an email to my dear friend this morning and there I was typing a sentence that has actually been stuck in my mind for a really long time. What if my life calling is to be a nanny, to influence kids, to leave a significant mark in their lives ? Think about it for a moment. For the last 20 years I would say, I've been surrounded by kids and I played a really big role in their lives. The number I'm talking about is bigger than 10. Which is a lot for someone who hasn't turned 30 yet. And I constantly have these offers to take care of some new kids. And it is no problem for me to find a family who is ready to give me a chance to take care of their kids. This time, road leads to Ireland. I have two lovely families who would be happy to hire me as a nanny. Should I stay or should I go, I ask you. I ask myself. I'm already there. I have always been in my heart somewhere near Ireland, Great Britain, so is this my chance to start a new life?

my one and only

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master.." - Elizabeth Gilbert, page 149 from her book "Eat, Pray, Love". Gilbert is an American novelist, essayist, short story writer, biographer and memoiris

"True Love is one of the rarest jewels life will ever bring you, treasure it with all your heart. When you find someone who loves you just as you are, is steadfast during moments of stress, willing to grow with you and allows you to feel however you choose to feel in any moment - there is nothing more you will ever find in a person. You've found True Love when you feel fear; fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment and fear of letting go of your own stubborn egoic patterns that keep the real you separate and safe from the other. Trust in love and go towards your fear, taking this leap of faith in every moment is the journey Love requires for its sweet reward." - Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

Well, yes

...we both know I need to fall out of love with you. Would be great if you would let me try.

Everything happens for a reason

I'm a strong universe believer. I believe not only that everything happens for a reason, but that things happen always at the right moment in time. Just when you need it, when you are able to cope with it, when you are ready to take the best out of the things that universe has given to you.
Everything is school. A school of life. And it's the hardest experience ever imagined, but it's always right. Always! Life brings us everything we need to know, everything we need.
Few days ago I had the pleasure to sit with my good old friends in a warm night in which everything but four of us didn't exist. All the people that were surrounding us and all the noise was not important as the stories four of us shared in that moment of time. I felt like I was home. You know that warm feeling of acceptance, when everything is just as it should be? Forever grateful for that moment. For my friends. Of course I talked about my thyroid. About the psychotic world I'm in. About all the healing process I'm going trough, about the acceptance of my condition and determination to fight for a better life in every possible way I can. Little that I knew is that my story will open a whole new way of understanding all the suffering I'm going trough and all the ways of suffering happening in my body, mind and soul. I'm super freaking sensitive. Super freaking sensitive. Feel like a 'victim' most of the time and I constantly expect from people to know that, to recognize that, to feed that sensitivity but not even telling them I expect that. And that creates anger and dissapointment and more sensitivity, because you feel invisible but not reaching out openly for help. That's a major A HA moment in this craziness of thyroid thing. For me that night was a moment of letting go. Of anger I created for myself. Moment of accepting myself with this suffering, a moment of giving myself a time to recover from everything.
For that, I will be forever grateful to my friends for accepting me, giving me enough time to tell my story, for not judging me, for seeing me and hearing me.
Because after a long time I accepted myself, I heard my story.

Namaste.

the Holiday

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love.

Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Marianne Williamson

Can I believe this too?

The road to heel is paved with good intentions

It's never good enough... No matter what. Even if my action is love inducted, it turns into a disaster.

The Daily Love Reminder

When a goodbye kiss...

Read this. I'm on a step number 2, going to meet 3

How To Get Over A Break-Up!

Thoughts on gratitude

I asked for help from my mom during this healing process of my thyroid desease. For the first time. It was a nockdown for me. Because I'm used to being strong and doing everything on my own. But, honestly, shearing my thoughts, fears, vulnerabilty just took a huge stone of my shoulders and guess what, I survived. In one of our conversations she told me this: there is so much to be grateful about.you don't have a jerk husband who is misstreathing you, you don't have a job where you gonna be stressed out, you don't have any obligation most of the girls your age have and that's your freedom. I was like, mom, to me, that's not meaning of life, at least my life.
But today, I got thinking about those words. Yes, I am lucky for not having all of that. Because I know how hard it is to share 30 years of your life with someone who never said anything nice to you, or about you. I am lucky for not having someone who's not gonna support me, not going to care about me and going to be upset bcs there is no lunch on the table.
I always wanted a lot, and I will not settle for less than I deserve! I admit being lost for quite some time. I admit I forgot who am I. I admit I forgot about my dreams and wishes.
But this is the promise I'm giving to myself: I will appreciate my life again, I will find a way back to my new old self, I will nurture my dreams, hopes and wishes, I will ask for a support from others, I will let go of things and people who are not bringing me any good.

Love is all we need

TP appreciation post

Today I'm grateful for Tristan Prettyman.
For her music, but more important, for her being.
To me, she is just like a really close friend who I never met (but hoping I will). Troughout past years I was reading everything she would write and felt incredibly close, seen and heard. She is an inspiration to me. She lets her vulnerability to be seen. She is trying to go trough this life with gratitude and love for everything that surrounds her and that's an amazing way to accept life.
I'm grateful for her music, for her lyrics, even though I didn't accept it instantly. But as the days go by and as I listen to her music more and more, and by discovering a new, but very well known song, I experience the opportunity to find ansewers to my deepest questions. To describe my inner feelings and thoughts when I'm at my worst or best.
Some of her songs make me ritcher, some make me sad, to some of them I dance or sing at loud, but with each song I feel closer to myself. Is that the power of music or power of TP?
I'm grateful for her blog posts, because seeing her make mistakes and accepting them, or seeing her being extremly happy for taco tuesdays or a new pair of running shoes, or being angry or hurt or proud, just makes me feel like everything is possible, meaning that I can be whatever I want, whatever I am, and that is ok, because that is who I am.
So, thank you TP for singing, writing and sharing. To me, it means a world. And with a lot of gratitude and joy I'm looking forward to your new tweets, stories, songs and new album.
Love love love

Learning

In that moment I loved you, but we wont break if we let go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCtKULLcVXY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kMgQM6ChGA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToatLSIWq8Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Awesome inspirational blog post by Christina Perri

http://thedailylove.com/i-know-you-are-living-but-are-you-learning-2/

Porch cottage love

If I could, I would live in a cottage. Mountain cottage, with a lake.

Gratitude list

It was an emotionally really exausting day. And it is really hard for me to write this list today. What am I grateful for today? Hm...
Grateful for learning and realising what's going on inside of my body. Grateful for realising I feel wounded and weak in those wounds and that is the place from which I react and demand.
I am grateful for my thyroid hormons being normal again. I'm grateful to have a hero for a mom. A woman who doesn't see an obstacle, who fights till the very end even though she doesn't have strenght for it. I'm grateful for  people caring about me and my health. I'm grateful for their kind words, support, compassion and giving me the wright to feel vulnerable.
I'm grateful for being introduced to Reiki. I'm grateful I've received that gift with much love and understanding. I'm grateful for these hands full of energy.
I'm grateful for being crafty. For being able to make stuff without doubting they are worth enough.
I'm grateful for friends. For those one I hurt today, for those one who gave me love, for those one who asked me how am I. I'm grateful for experiencing anger today, because without it I wouldn't realise whats going on in my body, mind and soul. I'm grateful for a homeless dog who let me feed him today, for letting me give him water and a cuddle. I'm grateful for my dog, who gives me nothing but love and accepts me and all of my mood swings with the same pure heart and love.
Im grateful for today.

Thyroid problem

Well fuck!!!
I'm emotionally tired, I'm fucking tired. There is no better explanation of my condition. Emotions are everywhere and just when you think things are getting into the right place, just one word is enough to fuck up everything.
My doctor confirmed today I need to have thyroid removal operation. Complete thyroid out. And same as 6 weeks ago, my initial reaction was to cry. Today I cried my heart out. It's hard to explain what happened in my body, mind and soul. It's like having an apple and that apple falls down the stairs. The first and the major pain is the hardest and leaves the biggest wound. As the apple keeps going down the stairs, with every new step, you get more and more wounded. Punch after punch. And each one is stronger and harder and leaves a lot of marks and keeps destroying an apple. In this analogy, an apple is my body mind and soul. After the first bad information for which you are not prepared, you feel so hurt, so empty, so all over the place and all you need is for someone to pick up the apple and say it will be fine. After you have been destroyed from the inside it's hard to process every other information as it is. You see everything trough that wounded place. And every information feels like a punch into a stomach and your face. The next info gives you even stronger punch and you have no idea how things fell apart and how to collect yourself and get into the peacefull zone.
I shouldn't be communicating with people when I'm in that state of body, mind and soul. I shouldn't make desitions in that state. All I need is for people to hug me with their words, actions, intentions.
Because after all these punches I feel drained. I feel so tired, I feel like everything inside of me has been pulled out and put back together in a rush and now I'm left with a mess I need to sort out somehow. But I have no strenght to do that. That's the catch. Have no strenght. And I should be focusing on getting better. To find a way to get back to a positive state of mind. But I also need to stop expecting from myself to be and feel perfect. I also need to tell others I need love, attention, to remind me I'm overreacting.
I apologize for making a mess when there shouldn't be one.

Happiness

I could be happy right here with my dog and you.

The Love

Lately I'm writting a lot about love. Love has always been a really important thing in my daily life and I was never able to do anything without love. If there was no love in things I was supposed to do, I wouldn't do it. Simple as that. My mind would fight, my body would fight, my being would fight.
I finished desired hifh school because I loved that job. I finished faculty because I loved psychology. I still do. During the past few years one of my mantras is 'be love'. Really, everything I do, or say, or I want is something I try to do out of love. Can't really say that every single act I performe/d was from the be love place. But it is something I'm aware of, and it is something I'm trying to forgive myself. I've learned that the fear, all of my insecurities, anger, jelaousy was because I needed love and I wanted to share all the love I have and feel with someone special, or no special at all.
Once I told to my very good friend: love is not waiting for someone to complete you, it's being complete and being ready to share your complete self with someone else.
Today I feel complete. Although I was ready to give love and share everything during the past months, somewhere in the middle I lost my course and I needed to be reminded that to have love and understanding for my own being is the place from which love for others needs to go.
I found someone I want to share my love with and it's really not that hard for me to love her.

What do I deserve?

Take it slow

The best decision I have ever made. To take it slow. Go day by day. And not to expect too much from myself, but just to try to be happy day by day.

What is love?

I was never so confused in my life.
In a simple world, when two people love each other they end up together and they enjoy in their love.
But since we don't live in a perfect world it happenes that two people in love don't end up together and despite the love they feel and share the only thing that connects them now is the mutual pain for not being able to be together.

Aren't we fools in that case? Aren't we just playing the game? Aren't we crazy for making things so complicated when they indeed are pretty simple?

I admit, I don't want you to let me go. I want you to fight for me! I want you to be able to say how you feel! I want you to trust me! I want you to want me!
Are you?
I'm tired of playing with emotions, I'm tired of not knowing what do you want. I'm tired of you being quiet. I'm tired of the songs and quotes I'm seeing on your fb page. I'm tired of not being able to love you. I'm tired of being said you're sorry, that I already know what do you feel.
I don't know what do you feel. I don't know if you love me or not. I know you loved me once, but can't tell if that still is something you feel for me.
I'm not ready to let you go and I feel like shit everytime I'm being a total bitch towards you.
So, I'm asking you. Are you gonna fight for me? Are you ready to let me go? What do you want from me?

O happy day

Yesterday was AMAZING!
I had fun, I was not angry, I was happy. Loving that feeling!
Loving my life at the moment!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmeoTLGW9KY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Just breathe

What I wouldn't have given to have tired of you.