follow your heart

I'm standing before two roads.
One leads back home to Serbia, second one offers an opportunity to stay in Ireland and start a life here. New life. Life I'm possibly already living.
I am torn between those two roads. Don't know which one will be the smartest to choose to continue with.
They say follow your heart, but what if my heart is at two places at the same time?
At this point I see both as a win-win and lose-lose situation.
Can't say one is better than the other.
When I think about home, I think about my dog and my friends. I think about all the familiar things, I think about 20 years filled with memories, good and bad, think about how easy is to express myself in a language that is so mine and so familiar. I also think about all the struggles, and issues and the close minded life with no freedom to be fully who I am.
When I think about Ireland, I think about the freedom to be whoever I am and whoever I want to be. I think about all the choices that don't exist in Serbia. After all the differences that I became used to, after finding love I was searching for, after making new friendships and relations, can I say, yes this is the life I want to live?
When I entered my late 20s and when I turned 30 it became clear to me that I have to stop wandering and that I have to settle. Meaning, I have to find a base and need to start living. Need to make a choice that I'm gonna have to live with. I am scared. I am scared that I'll make the wrong decision. I'm scared I'll go back home and leave a pretty decent life here for a really hot summer and long cuddles with my dog.
I had a lovely chat about this topic with friend of mine today, she said, look, whatever you choose, it will be ok, it will be the best choice for you. you just have to leave all the baggage from your previous life in your previous life. and yes, follow your heart, but ask yourself where will you, or where are you happy. don't forget where are you happy.
I am going home soon. I have so little time here left. Not enough time for the Mary and I story.
The fear is taking over me and my actions. I know that. And I'm not here any more, but not home yet.

i'm worth being loved...

... is one of the affirmations I have on my wall back at home.
it's been there for about a year now. close to it is another affirmation, saying "I'm enough".
Those two things are something I have been struggling with my entire life. And I still am, very much indeed.
I heard something today that got stuck with me and the timing couldn't be more perfect.
I was watching Oprah today and in one of the chats with her guest she said following "Most of us think and believe we deserve love, and the truth is, we do, we all do. But what we don't think or believe is that we are actually worth it as well. And those are two very different things."
I recently started seeing someone. And from the very first moment, things were/are pretty intense and big, enormous. Both beautiful and scary. We both often asks each other and ourselves, is this too good to be true, or is it just good and true? I remember the first week of our 'not-so-official-relationship' I emailed my friend saying, this is going to be big. I was overwhelmed by emotions I was receiving and experiencing and I cried. From the beauty of what I was feeling. Little that we knew then is that crying was going to be one of the things I keep doing when things become 'too something'. She just keeps laughing, when thing become 'too something' for her. And I love that about her.
In the same interview Oprah's guest said something very close to this experience. And something I was struggling to define. And something that was around my mind the past few weeks. She said how she was wishing for love all of her life, but was never really feeling it. She knew it was there, but never really embraced it, never really let it in. And the moment when she did that, was when she was fighting cancer and her friends and family were by her side and were just giving her love. Once she really felt it, and let it get in, she cried. She cried because she finally believed she was worth of the love that was surrounding her. Crying because, after so much love that she was giving to the others trough the years, it was her time to receive that love.
Funny enough, I said to my dearest friend Dunja something very similar yesterday when I was talking to her about Mary ( aka my significant other). I said "You know what, I feel like I was giving so much love to so many people in my life, and always just giving. But now, maybe for the first time in my life, I'm in a situation where I'm getting that love." What I later said to Mary was also, I feel like the time has come for me to receive the love that you are giving to me.

It is scary experience, and I have days when I would just love to run from it all, because that is what I would usually do, it's very 'safe' thing to do, very familiar. There are days when I just can't believe how lucky I am to have someone like Mary in my life.
And there are days when I just can't get enough of her in my life.

I'm not gonna say, yes finally I do believe I am worth all the love I am receiving, it will take some time.
But I will say this, as an ultimate thank you to the universe, she is probably everything I ever wanted in someone to love.