my one and only

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master.." - Elizabeth Gilbert, page 149 from her book "Eat, Pray, Love". Gilbert is an American novelist, essayist, short story writer, biographer and memoiris

"True Love is one of the rarest jewels life will ever bring you, treasure it with all your heart. When you find someone who loves you just as you are, is steadfast during moments of stress, willing to grow with you and allows you to feel however you choose to feel in any moment - there is nothing more you will ever find in a person. You've found True Love when you feel fear; fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment and fear of letting go of your own stubborn egoic patterns that keep the real you separate and safe from the other. Trust in love and go towards your fear, taking this leap of faith in every moment is the journey Love requires for its sweet reward." - Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

Well, yes

...we both know I need to fall out of love with you. Would be great if you would let me try.

Everything happens for a reason

I'm a strong universe believer. I believe not only that everything happens for a reason, but that things happen always at the right moment in time. Just when you need it, when you are able to cope with it, when you are ready to take the best out of the things that universe has given to you.
Everything is school. A school of life. And it's the hardest experience ever imagined, but it's always right. Always! Life brings us everything we need to know, everything we need.
Few days ago I had the pleasure to sit with my good old friends in a warm night in which everything but four of us didn't exist. All the people that were surrounding us and all the noise was not important as the stories four of us shared in that moment of time. I felt like I was home. You know that warm feeling of acceptance, when everything is just as it should be? Forever grateful for that moment. For my friends. Of course I talked about my thyroid. About the psychotic world I'm in. About all the healing process I'm going trough, about the acceptance of my condition and determination to fight for a better life in every possible way I can. Little that I knew is that my story will open a whole new way of understanding all the suffering I'm going trough and all the ways of suffering happening in my body, mind and soul. I'm super freaking sensitive. Super freaking sensitive. Feel like a 'victim' most of the time and I constantly expect from people to know that, to recognize that, to feed that sensitivity but not even telling them I expect that. And that creates anger and dissapointment and more sensitivity, because you feel invisible but not reaching out openly for help. That's a major A HA moment in this craziness of thyroid thing. For me that night was a moment of letting go. Of anger I created for myself. Moment of accepting myself with this suffering, a moment of giving myself a time to recover from everything.
For that, I will be forever grateful to my friends for accepting me, giving me enough time to tell my story, for not judging me, for seeing me and hearing me.
Because after a long time I accepted myself, I heard my story.

Namaste.

the Holiday

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love.

Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Marianne Williamson

Can I believe this too?

The road to heel is paved with good intentions

It's never good enough... No matter what. Even if my action is love inducted, it turns into a disaster.

The Daily Love Reminder

When a goodbye kiss...

Read this. I'm on a step number 2, going to meet 3

How To Get Over A Break-Up!

Thoughts on gratitude

I asked for help from my mom during this healing process of my thyroid desease. For the first time. It was a nockdown for me. Because I'm used to being strong and doing everything on my own. But, honestly, shearing my thoughts, fears, vulnerabilty just took a huge stone of my shoulders and guess what, I survived. In one of our conversations she told me this: there is so much to be grateful about.you don't have a jerk husband who is misstreathing you, you don't have a job where you gonna be stressed out, you don't have any obligation most of the girls your age have and that's your freedom. I was like, mom, to me, that's not meaning of life, at least my life.
But today, I got thinking about those words. Yes, I am lucky for not having all of that. Because I know how hard it is to share 30 years of your life with someone who never said anything nice to you, or about you. I am lucky for not having someone who's not gonna support me, not going to care about me and going to be upset bcs there is no lunch on the table.
I always wanted a lot, and I will not settle for less than I deserve! I admit being lost for quite some time. I admit I forgot who am I. I admit I forgot about my dreams and wishes.
But this is the promise I'm giving to myself: I will appreciate my life again, I will find a way back to my new old self, I will nurture my dreams, hopes and wishes, I will ask for a support from others, I will let go of things and people who are not bringing me any good.

Love is all we need

TP appreciation post

Today I'm grateful for Tristan Prettyman.
For her music, but more important, for her being.
To me, she is just like a really close friend who I never met (but hoping I will). Troughout past years I was reading everything she would write and felt incredibly close, seen and heard. She is an inspiration to me. She lets her vulnerability to be seen. She is trying to go trough this life with gratitude and love for everything that surrounds her and that's an amazing way to accept life.
I'm grateful for her music, for her lyrics, even though I didn't accept it instantly. But as the days go by and as I listen to her music more and more, and by discovering a new, but very well known song, I experience the opportunity to find ansewers to my deepest questions. To describe my inner feelings and thoughts when I'm at my worst or best.
Some of her songs make me ritcher, some make me sad, to some of them I dance or sing at loud, but with each song I feel closer to myself. Is that the power of music or power of TP?
I'm grateful for her blog posts, because seeing her make mistakes and accepting them, or seeing her being extremly happy for taco tuesdays or a new pair of running shoes, or being angry or hurt or proud, just makes me feel like everything is possible, meaning that I can be whatever I want, whatever I am, and that is ok, because that is who I am.
So, thank you TP for singing, writing and sharing. To me, it means a world. And with a lot of gratitude and joy I'm looking forward to your new tweets, stories, songs and new album.
Love love love

Learning

In that moment I loved you, but we wont break if we let go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCtKULLcVXY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kMgQM6ChGA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToatLSIWq8Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Awesome inspirational blog post by Christina Perri

http://thedailylove.com/i-know-you-are-living-but-are-you-learning-2/

Porch cottage love

If I could, I would live in a cottage. Mountain cottage, with a lake.

Gratitude list

It was an emotionally really exausting day. And it is really hard for me to write this list today. What am I grateful for today? Hm...
Grateful for learning and realising what's going on inside of my body. Grateful for realising I feel wounded and weak in those wounds and that is the place from which I react and demand.
I am grateful for my thyroid hormons being normal again. I'm grateful to have a hero for a mom. A woman who doesn't see an obstacle, who fights till the very end even though she doesn't have strenght for it. I'm grateful for  people caring about me and my health. I'm grateful for their kind words, support, compassion and giving me the wright to feel vulnerable.
I'm grateful for being introduced to Reiki. I'm grateful I've received that gift with much love and understanding. I'm grateful for these hands full of energy.
I'm grateful for being crafty. For being able to make stuff without doubting they are worth enough.
I'm grateful for friends. For those one I hurt today, for those one who gave me love, for those one who asked me how am I. I'm grateful for experiencing anger today, because without it I wouldn't realise whats going on in my body, mind and soul. I'm grateful for a homeless dog who let me feed him today, for letting me give him water and a cuddle. I'm grateful for my dog, who gives me nothing but love and accepts me and all of my mood swings with the same pure heart and love.
Im grateful for today.

Thyroid problem

Well fuck!!!
I'm emotionally tired, I'm fucking tired. There is no better explanation of my condition. Emotions are everywhere and just when you think things are getting into the right place, just one word is enough to fuck up everything.
My doctor confirmed today I need to have thyroid removal operation. Complete thyroid out. And same as 6 weeks ago, my initial reaction was to cry. Today I cried my heart out. It's hard to explain what happened in my body, mind and soul. It's like having an apple and that apple falls down the stairs. The first and the major pain is the hardest and leaves the biggest wound. As the apple keeps going down the stairs, with every new step, you get more and more wounded. Punch after punch. And each one is stronger and harder and leaves a lot of marks and keeps destroying an apple. In this analogy, an apple is my body mind and soul. After the first bad information for which you are not prepared, you feel so hurt, so empty, so all over the place and all you need is for someone to pick up the apple and say it will be fine. After you have been destroyed from the inside it's hard to process every other information as it is. You see everything trough that wounded place. And every information feels like a punch into a stomach and your face. The next info gives you even stronger punch and you have no idea how things fell apart and how to collect yourself and get into the peacefull zone.
I shouldn't be communicating with people when I'm in that state of body, mind and soul. I shouldn't make desitions in that state. All I need is for people to hug me with their words, actions, intentions.
Because after all these punches I feel drained. I feel so tired, I feel like everything inside of me has been pulled out and put back together in a rush and now I'm left with a mess I need to sort out somehow. But I have no strenght to do that. That's the catch. Have no strenght. And I should be focusing on getting better. To find a way to get back to a positive state of mind. But I also need to stop expecting from myself to be and feel perfect. I also need to tell others I need love, attention, to remind me I'm overreacting.
I apologize for making a mess when there shouldn't be one.

Happiness

I could be happy right here with my dog and you.

The Love

Lately I'm writting a lot about love. Love has always been a really important thing in my daily life and I was never able to do anything without love. If there was no love in things I was supposed to do, I wouldn't do it. Simple as that. My mind would fight, my body would fight, my being would fight.
I finished desired hifh school because I loved that job. I finished faculty because I loved psychology. I still do. During the past few years one of my mantras is 'be love'. Really, everything I do, or say, or I want is something I try to do out of love. Can't really say that every single act I performe/d was from the be love place. But it is something I'm aware of, and it is something I'm trying to forgive myself. I've learned that the fear, all of my insecurities, anger, jelaousy was because I needed love and I wanted to share all the love I have and feel with someone special, or no special at all.
Once I told to my very good friend: love is not waiting for someone to complete you, it's being complete and being ready to share your complete self with someone else.
Today I feel complete. Although I was ready to give love and share everything during the past months, somewhere in the middle I lost my course and I needed to be reminded that to have love and understanding for my own being is the place from which love for others needs to go.
I found someone I want to share my love with and it's really not that hard for me to love her.