breaking the patterns

Full me once...

I am such a fool! Such a fool! For holding, for not letting go, for believing that loving you will set me free, that showing you compassion will help me, us become new versions of us. What a fool I am! For again and again focusing on you! And forgetting about myself! How come I keep giving you the power and putting me and my healing in second place! I am so angry with myself! So angry with myself! Foe believing that you are honest when you say I'm sorry for the pain! For giving you chance over a chance over a chance! For showing you that I will love you no matter what! That you don't need to deserve my love, that my love is here for you when you need it! I am such a fool! Such a fool! And when I say you'll have to work freaking hard to be even my friend, I mean it now! You will have to work really freaking hard! I was here ready to say I'm sorry for everything I did while we were together that you found disrespectful, everything that I did that made you feel like you were not good enough, everything where I could've shown you more love! There is nothing to apologize for, nothing! The person I need to apologize, nurture and love is me, only me!

fear

I'm craving you. I'm craving your voice. I'm craving you. My inner being is craving your inner being. And I cannot explain it. And who do I explain it to.
I'm fighting myself. My need to reach out, and my reason who says we both deserve peace. And then I don't know if it's my pride that is stopping me from reaching out and that voice that says "she should fight for you". And then there is love, there is kindness and compassion, and the belief that forgiveness will set me free. And then there is a fear that if I show you any of this, I will be hurt again and then I'm back at square one. And then I know how much healing happens in being vulnerable, but I don't know if that is going to open me to a possibility to get hurt even more.

I just want to talk to you. I don't need to know why. I don't need to hear this is better for both of us. I don't need to hear any explanations. I just want to talk to you. Simple as that. I just want to talk to you.

when the only thing left is selflove

Remember that day when you said you wanted out?

I fell into pieces...

You decided to go out for a dinner with your friends.


Remember that time I was in Belgium, after we broke up?

I was falling into pieces...

You decided to do one thing I asked you not to do.


Remember that time I came back to pack my stuff and move, and I found out what you did?

I fell into pieces...

You said, remember how you feel now when you start missing me.


Remember that time I left what we called "our home" and moved?

I fell into pieces...

You said, you will be so much happier there.


Remember that time you posted those pictures on fb?

I fell into pieces...



I collected my pieces...



Now you are broken...


And I need you to know, there is nothing but love in me for you. Only love. Love is all there is, love is all there will ever be. I will always always always choose love. Love for myself first. And then for you.