Love stays. Pain leaves.

I hold so much pain in me...

Every once in a while I feel full of love, life, excitement, joy, like I can conquer anything that's put in front of me.

But reality is, more often than that, I just feel sadness, pain, weight of the life experiences on my shoulders. Maybe that's why they are so stiff, and always tight, and always high, as if the world is going to break me if they let their guard down.

There is so much forgiving to be done, there is so much acceptance to be made, there is so much to let go of, there is so much to enjoy. But how? Can someone please give me a recipe???

I guess I wasn't born with one of those light personalities, the type that brings the light and easiness in every room, or every experience. Things come hard to me. Joy comes hard to, I'm so cynical that I don't laugh at simple, no harm jokes. I just find them stupid. Pain, anger, sadness comes really easy to me. It's comforting at times, but I know it's destructive. I feel it. With every cell of my body.

I wonder often what is stopping me from loving life, enjoying everything that's in front of me, every breath I take, person I meet, sunset I see?

Was I born sad? Or is this something I learned?

I know a lot of the pain and letting go has to do with accepting who I am. The way I am. A lot to do with appreciating myself and everything I've been through. And letting go of perfection and the feeling of being responsible for everything.

I don't know...



I know I'm being too hard on myself.

And I feel stuck because of the constant judging thoughts running around in my head. I do not feel light, I feel it in my breath (if I breathe at all).
And the fear! The fucking fear of everything. When, why, how??? Stop with it. Stop with the fear!


I know I'm work in progress, but maybe, just maybe, the traits I consider to be my faults are actually not faults at all, maybe that's just me. ME.


I was going to be honest in this post, and I thought for a minute I'll be able to express everything I feel and question and spin around in my mind, just the way it is. But I seem to be lost in the translation. My own self.

Look, you, the person writing this post, yes YOU!

YOU ARE OK JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. SAD, ANGRY, SCARED, SENSITIVE YOU!!! YOU ARE PERFECT IN YOUR CREATION.

NOW GO AND START BELIEVING THIS IN THIS NEW YEAR.