a journey

I had my first anxiety attack not so long time ago. it scared me. still does, because I still have small fragments of that attack in my body. The year behind me was, don't quite know how to put that, it was good, but did not do much for my self esteem and my self confidence. Past seven months of this year, were pretty much the same.
And so here I am, at the bottom of the mountain I fell down from, trying to find some small sign that will assure me everything is going to be just fine, as always have been.

FEAR

About a year ago I was asked to describe myself in three words, and one of them was BRAVE.
The truth is, I'm scared. Not a day or even a moment goes by without feeling that paralyzing fear in every cell of my body. I have this whirlwind of thoughts and questions in my head. Am I good enough, am I smart enough, am I a good friend, a good daughter, sister, aunt, employee? Am I beautiful enough? Am I worth enough? Am I worth? Am I enough?

I'm 28, and I assure you that 10 years ago I did not want my life to look like this. And I'm disappointed, and angry, and just want to know what future holds for me. At least a tiny bit of that picture.


I want to see what people saw
I want to feel like I felt before
I'd like to see the kingdom come
I want to feel forever young
I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I belong
I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long
If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
So where's the stars?
Up in the sky
And what's the moon?
A big balloon
We'll never know unless we grow
There's so much world outside the door
I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I'll be strong
I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long
If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Turn, turn, turn, turn
Turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Learn to turn