You know when you go to a workshop/training/seminar and there is always that first part of the introduction games and talking about who you are and so on and so on? Well, I don't like that. One of the things I hate answering is 'who I am', or defining who this body, this person with this name is. Not because I don't know it, well maybe that's not entirely true, but because not one of those things I say and share defines me. Doesn't make me who I am. So, most of the times I feel comfortable just saying, I'm Sandra. And then, you decide who I am, or am not.
I just couldn't figure out how saying oh I'm a psychologist, a woman, a sister, a daughter, serbian, or this and that tells to myself or the people what my true essence is. I always felt that saying I am (fill the gap) puts me into this box with strict definitions and description of how I am supposed to behave, talk, dress, what movies should I watch, what should I like or dislike. It always gave me this huge fright of not having the freedom to be anything else but that person in the box I choose to define myself with. I am very aware of the fact that those imaginary boxes have more flexible edges now, but I find myself in a limbo more often lately as I'm discovering and accepting the fact that I am (what society calls) a lesbian. A word that I'm dreading to use to define myself with. I know huge part of accepting my sexuality is a very outspoken homophobic upbringing I was exposed to. And it did took me a long time to find the right words that explained why I always felt different than other girls I knew, why I was never really attracted to the opposite sex, but felt like I should and therefore created all these scenarios in my head and acted according to them. I was different, and I always knew it, but then, we all are. But I just didn't know what different meant.
I like to believe that at age of 28 I was brave enough to admit to myself that I might actually be gay, or who I really am. Brave enough, but never more lost. I was reading a book by Portia de Rossi soon after I moved to Ireland, who explains very well how opening yourself to your sexuality raises up all these questions that you never even thought about. And I borrow her piece from the book, because it resonates with my thoughts so well:" I had met some lesbians through the girl I'd briefly dated, and I spent time with them, observing them and trying to figure out what it meant to be gay. I soon discovered that I had to figure out what kind of lesbian I was going to be. It was obvious to me almost immediately that I was very different from most other girls. I didn't really fit into either role of "butch" or "femme." I liked wearing makeup and dresses and heels, but I also liked to wear engineer's boots and black tank tops. In the first few months of my coming out to other lesbians, I realized that I was as much a misfit in the gay world as I was in society at large. I was half butch, half femme, neither here nor there. At that point in my life, I didn't understand that playing roles in any relationship is false and will inevitably lead to the relationship's collapse. No one can be any one thing all the time. There is a great deal of lying done while a role is being played in any relationship, homosexual or heterosexual. As I had tried to fit into the sample size clothing, I also tried to fit into a preconceived idea of what it meant to be gay. And any time I try to fit into a mold made by someone else, whether that means sample size clothing or a strict label of "butch" or "femme," I lose myself."
I struggle with that a lot. As if accepting being the lover of the same sex isn't enough of a struggle, now I have to figure out what kind of a same-sex-lover do I want to be. I feel this huge pressure to fit in the role of a lesbian, that I often wonder whether or not I actually am one. I know this might sound awful, but there is this huge expectation from the society that slowly grows to be your own, to be this or that. There is this huge expectation to play this perfect gender roles, that I was never good at, that I refuse to play, but are being requested from me and I am conforming to them and I am not enjoying it the slightest! Why is it so hard for myself and for the rest of the people just to let people be who they are? I am surrounded by some pretty outspoken lesbians, that just love love love love who they are. Or simply present themselves very well. And I talk to them about music, movies, books, gender roles, and find it really hard to find the connection. Maybe huge part of it playes the fact that I grew up in a society that has no lesbian role models to look up to, where being gay is considered some kind of a nature abomination. But maybe, once again I am just that bit different lesbian that refuses to believe that being a lesbian is all that I am. Soon after I finished reading Porsha's book, I came across an interview with Ana Matronic and this amazing words, that made me feel just a bit more normal in the lesbian/female world: "I don't like identifying as gay or straight or even bisexual. I don't necessarily like identifying as a woman. I identify as a human being and I enjoy distinctions being taken away. I believe in human rights. We should treat each other exactly the same whoever we are. The rigid constructs put into place to define us don't really work."
That is possibly the essence of mine, human being, I AM A HUMAN BEING. I LOVE SAYING THAT! I was always the defender of the weak ones (once I stopped acting like a bully), I always believed that no child, animal, person, man, woman, should suffer and struggle for food, water, jobs, place to live. I always believed in the equal human rights for all the people of this world and in treating animals and the planet we live on with love and respect that they deserve. This is the essence of who I am. I am human, and I love it.
Hope this year brings even shorter hair, less dresses and high heels, occasional make up, more pants and some fabulous flat shoes. To the free styled, unique, and no barriers self! Live, laugh, love.
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