Today I have decided to talk to you about a topic that is really hard for me. Child sexual abuse. Why this topic? Because as a child I was a victim of a sexual abuse. Happened only once, but it did happen. Why am I talking about it now, here? Because it's important not be quiet, because I don't want to ignore it anymore.
When this whole thyroid thing started, I said to one of my doctors, sometimes I think that all of my problems started with that one afternoon when a total stranger took me down to a basemant and performed whatever he performed. I was a "lucky one" - he was a serial child molester and he raped a huge number of girls, all about the same age as me 4-6. He didn't penetrate me, but he did perform everything else. Only god saved me, or universe, or anything else you chose to believe in. It was the scariest experience ever! It's still in my memory. Every bit of that afternoon. Sometimes it's really hard when you keep realizing that's pretty much one and only memory from my childhood. I have good and bad days, sometimes I can talk about it without any problem at all, and on other times, I'll cry, lose my voice, have troubles breathing. At right this moment my heart is beating really fast.
It's something I'm still learning to live with. I don't blame myself anymore. There were times when I did, but not anymore.
I'm not ashamed of it, it's not something that defines me, but to me it is important to talk about it. Because when all this happened, my parents decided to do only thing they new about, to ignore it and not to talk about it and I think they were hoping it will go away. It didn't. I still remember what I was wearing that day. They were young parents, not very well educated, '80s - so I get it. I get why they were quiet, but I want everyone to know, it's important not to be quiet about it.
If you as a child somehow manage to cope with the guilt and realising it was not your fault, there are still lots of emotions and anxiety you need to work on.
I had lots of problems later. First of all, my bed was weat every night until I was 8-9 years old. I prefered staying in house and not going out playing with other kids. I just closed myself in a world that was my own and I tried my best to be as perfect as I can. I still have that irrational request towards myself: I have to be perfect! And that, my friends is something that is really hard to live with. And I worked really hard to be perfect. I was the best student in school, I was taking all the possible afterschool activities I could, I was reading 3 books a day, cleaning the house and taking care of my older sister. All at the age of 7-8. And I was never good enough. I seeked for validation, day after day, after day and I was never good enough. I was so 'perfect' that making one mistake was not tolerated by my inner self, or my parents. And I made a lot of mistakes, changing sexual partners in my teen years, drinking lots and lots and lots, just to name few. All in a search for validation, for approval. That I'm good enough, even when I don't behave in the most perfect possible way.
25 years later, I'm stuck with the thyroid problem. It could be that the sexual abuse triggered it. Because the core of my condititon is the sentence "I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect." . Try just one day to live with that request towards yourself.
The bottom line is, don't be quiet about a single thing. Being quiet will kill you from the inside. Trying to ignore bad things in life will just make them bigger and bigger until they reach the point where they will explode. No matter how hard the problem of a sexual abuse, or any type of abuse is, SPEAK UP! Talk about it, learn to cope with it, don't keep it to yourself.
What wiki has to say: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse
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