when the only thing left is selflove

Remember that day when you said you wanted out?

I fell into pieces...

You decided to go out for a dinner with your friends.


Remember that time I was in Belgium, after we broke up?

I was falling into pieces...

You decided to do one thing I asked you not to do.


Remember that time I came back to pack my stuff and move, and I found out what you did?

I fell into pieces...

You said, remember how you feel now when you start missing me.


Remember that time I left what we called "our home" and moved?

I fell into pieces...

You said, you will be so much happier there.


Remember that time you posted those pictures on fb?

I fell into pieces...



I collected my pieces...



Now you are broken...


And I need you to know, there is nothing but love in me for you. Only love. Love is all there is, love is all there will ever be. I will always always always choose love. Love for myself first. And then for you.

Love stays. Pain leaves.

I hold so much pain in me...

Every once in a while I feel full of love, life, excitement, joy, like I can conquer anything that's put in front of me.

But reality is, more often than that, I just feel sadness, pain, weight of the life experiences on my shoulders. Maybe that's why they are so stiff, and always tight, and always high, as if the world is going to break me if they let their guard down.

There is so much forgiving to be done, there is so much acceptance to be made, there is so much to let go of, there is so much to enjoy. But how? Can someone please give me a recipe???

I guess I wasn't born with one of those light personalities, the type that brings the light and easiness in every room, or every experience. Things come hard to me. Joy comes hard to, I'm so cynical that I don't laugh at simple, no harm jokes. I just find them stupid. Pain, anger, sadness comes really easy to me. It's comforting at times, but I know it's destructive. I feel it. With every cell of my body.

I wonder often what is stopping me from loving life, enjoying everything that's in front of me, every breath I take, person I meet, sunset I see?

Was I born sad? Or is this something I learned?

I know a lot of the pain and letting go has to do with accepting who I am. The way I am. A lot to do with appreciating myself and everything I've been through. And letting go of perfection and the feeling of being responsible for everything.

I don't know...



I know I'm being too hard on myself.

And I feel stuck because of the constant judging thoughts running around in my head. I do not feel light, I feel it in my breath (if I breathe at all).
And the fear! The fucking fear of everything. When, why, how??? Stop with it. Stop with the fear!


I know I'm work in progress, but maybe, just maybe, the traits I consider to be my faults are actually not faults at all, maybe that's just me. ME.


I was going to be honest in this post, and I thought for a minute I'll be able to express everything I feel and question and spin around in my mind, just the way it is. But I seem to be lost in the translation. My own self.

Look, you, the person writing this post, yes YOU!

YOU ARE OK JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. SAD, ANGRY, SCARED, SENSITIVE YOU!!! YOU ARE PERFECT IN YOUR CREATION.

NOW GO AND START BELIEVING THIS IN THIS NEW YEAR.

This is who I am?

You know when you go to a workshop/training/seminar and there is always that first part of the introduction games and talking about who you are and so on and so on? Well, I don't like that. One of the things I hate answering is 'who I am', or defining who this body, this person with this name is. Not because I don't know it, well maybe that's not entirely true, but because not one of those things I say and share defines me. Doesn't make me who I am. So, most of the times I feel comfortable just saying, I'm Sandra. And then, you decide who I am, or am not.
I just couldn't figure out how saying oh I'm a psychologist, a woman, a sister, a daughter, serbian, or this and that tells to myself or the people what my true essence is. I always felt that saying I am (fill the gap) puts me into this box with strict definitions and description of how I am supposed to behave, talk, dress, what movies should I watch, what should I like or dislike. It always gave me this huge fright of not having the freedom to be anything else but that person in the box I choose to define myself with. I am very aware of the fact that those imaginary boxes have more flexible edges now, but I find myself in a limbo more often lately as I'm discovering and accepting the fact that I am (what society calls) a lesbian. A word that I'm dreading to use to define myself with. I know huge part of accepting my sexuality is a very outspoken homophobic upbringing I was exposed to. And it did took me a long time to find the right words that explained why I always felt different than other girls I knew, why I was never really attracted to the opposite sex, but felt like I should and therefore created all these scenarios in my head and acted according to them. I was different, and I always knew it, but then, we all are. But I just didn't know what different meant.
I like to believe that at age of 28 I was brave enough to admit to myself that I might actually be gay, or who I really am. Brave enough, but never more lost. I was reading a book by Portia de Rossi soon after I moved to Ireland, who explains very well how opening yourself to your sexuality raises up all these questions that you never even thought about. And I borrow her piece from the book, because it resonates with my thoughts so well:" I had met some lesbians through the girl I'd briefly dated, and I spent time with them, observing them and trying to figure out what it meant to be gay. I soon discovered that I had to figure out what kind of lesbian I was going to be. It was obvious to me almost immediately that I was very different from most other girls. I didn't really fit into either role of "butch" or "femme." I liked wearing makeup and dresses and heels, but I also liked to wear engineer's boots and black tank tops. In the first few months of my coming out to other lesbians, I realized that I was as much a misfit in the gay world as I was in society at large. I was half butch, half femme, neither here nor there. At that point in my life, I didn't understand that playing roles in any relationship is false and will inevitably lead to the relationship's collapse. No one can be any one thing all the time. There is a great deal of lying done while a role is being played in any relationship, homosexual or heterosexual. As I had tried to fit into the sample size clothing, I also tried to fit into a preconceived idea of what it meant to be gay. And any time I try to fit into a mold made by someone else, whether that means sample size clothing or a strict label of "butch" or "femme," I lose myself."

I struggle with that a lot. As if accepting being the lover of the same sex isn't enough of a struggle, now I have to figure out what kind of a same-sex-lover do I want to be. I feel this huge pressure to fit in the role of a lesbian, that I often wonder whether or not I actually am one. I know this might sound awful, but there is this huge expectation from the society that slowly grows to be your own, to be this or that. There is this huge expectation to play this perfect gender roles, that I was never good at, that I refuse to play, but are being requested from me and I am conforming to them and I am not enjoying it the slightest! Why is it so hard for myself and for the rest of the people just to let people be who they are? I am surrounded by some pretty outspoken lesbians, that just love love love love who they are. Or simply present themselves very well. And I talk to them about music, movies, books, gender roles, and find it really hard to find the connection. Maybe huge part of it playes the fact that I grew up in a society that has no lesbian role models to look up to, where being gay is considered some kind of a nature abomination. But maybe, once again I am just that bit different lesbian that refuses to believe that being a lesbian is all that I am. Soon after I finished reading Porsha's book, I came across an interview with Ana Matronic and this amazing words, that made me feel just a bit more normal in the lesbian/female world: "I don't like identifying as gay or straight or even bisexual. I don't necessarily like identifying as a woman. I identify as a human being and I enjoy distinctions being taken away. I believe in human rights. We should treat each other exactly the same whoever we are. The rigid constructs put into place to define us don't really work."

That is possibly the essence of mine, human being, I AM A HUMAN BEING. I LOVE SAYING THAT! I was always the defender of the weak ones (once I stopped acting like a bully), I always believed that no child, animal, person, man, woman, should suffer and struggle for food, water, jobs, place to live. I always believed in the equal human rights for all the people of this world and in treating animals and the planet we live on with love and respect that they deserve. This is the essence of who I am. I am human, and I love it.

Hope this year brings even shorter hair, less dresses and high heels, occasional make up, more pants and some fabulous flat shoes. To the free styled, unique, and no barriers self! Live, laugh, love.

kids and gadgets

I’m looking at all these new age parents and their rush and battle with the technology and can’t help thinking and wondering where did we as human beings fucked up. Seems like you can’t really be a parent now if you don’t own ipad, iPod, sony playwhatever, dvd player for the car and all the rest of the modern technology gadgets that gives you a false sense of buying and having more time. It amazes me what parents would do just so their kid would not cry in the public. The speed in which they take out all these gadgets and the level of the child’s upset is something I will never get used to. It’s like it’s the matter of life and death. What are we creating? In whose hands are we leaving planet earth? Seems to me that our society does slowly but surely travels to the wall-e creation. Not saying I’m not part of that reality, after all, I’m typing these exact words on my “smart” phone just so I won’t forget the criticism of modern society.
Mary and I were at this Italian place recently. There were two families having a meal at the same time as we did. Now, my guessing was that they were there to spend some quality time with their kids, while having the pleasure to enjoy some good food as well. Two families, 5 kids in total. All under age of 7. 3 of them were enjoying their food while playing on their own ipads each. The other two kids were stuffing themselves with frozen, microwave heated profiteroles. Parents? Well parents were talking to each other. How the school starts soon, how things are expensive, how society is fucked up. It was like the kids did not exist at all. They were completely invisible. No interaction, not a single question was addressed to any of those 5 kids. They were lost in their virtual world. In my eyes that did not look like a quality time spent with the family, with the kids.

So, it made me wonder, were they just buying some quiet time for themselves? I mean, they did not have to cook, kids were fed and pretty quiet and in their own world, separate world I might as well add, and they had a pretty decent chit chat with someone they probably will never meet again. I can’t help but wonder, why go through all that trouble? To bring 3 kids to a restaurant is not a simple task. Dressing them all, putting them in a car, checking if all went to the toilet, checking if they brought everything they needed. Were they just giving themselves a false impression of spending some time with their kids? Do we live in a society where quiet kids mean, by default, happy kids?

follow your heart

I'm standing before two roads.
One leads back home to Serbia, second one offers an opportunity to stay in Ireland and start a life here. New life. Life I'm possibly already living.
I am torn between those two roads. Don't know which one will be the smartest to choose to continue with.
They say follow your heart, but what if my heart is at two places at the same time?
At this point I see both as a win-win and lose-lose situation.
Can't say one is better than the other.
When I think about home, I think about my dog and my friends. I think about all the familiar things, I think about 20 years filled with memories, good and bad, think about how easy is to express myself in a language that is so mine and so familiar. I also think about all the struggles, and issues and the close minded life with no freedom to be fully who I am.
When I think about Ireland, I think about the freedom to be whoever I am and whoever I want to be. I think about all the choices that don't exist in Serbia. After all the differences that I became used to, after finding love I was searching for, after making new friendships and relations, can I say, yes this is the life I want to live?
When I entered my late 20s and when I turned 30 it became clear to me that I have to stop wandering and that I have to settle. Meaning, I have to find a base and need to start living. Need to make a choice that I'm gonna have to live with. I am scared. I am scared that I'll make the wrong decision. I'm scared I'll go back home and leave a pretty decent life here for a really hot summer and long cuddles with my dog.
I had a lovely chat about this topic with friend of mine today, she said, look, whatever you choose, it will be ok, it will be the best choice for you. you just have to leave all the baggage from your previous life in your previous life. and yes, follow your heart, but ask yourself where will you, or where are you happy. don't forget where are you happy.
I am going home soon. I have so little time here left. Not enough time for the Mary and I story.
The fear is taking over me and my actions. I know that. And I'm not here any more, but not home yet.

i'm worth being loved...

... is one of the affirmations I have on my wall back at home.
it's been there for about a year now. close to it is another affirmation, saying "I'm enough".
Those two things are something I have been struggling with my entire life. And I still am, very much indeed.
I heard something today that got stuck with me and the timing couldn't be more perfect.
I was watching Oprah today and in one of the chats with her guest she said following "Most of us think and believe we deserve love, and the truth is, we do, we all do. But what we don't think or believe is that we are actually worth it as well. And those are two very different things."
I recently started seeing someone. And from the very first moment, things were/are pretty intense and big, enormous. Both beautiful and scary. We both often asks each other and ourselves, is this too good to be true, or is it just good and true? I remember the first week of our 'not-so-official-relationship' I emailed my friend saying, this is going to be big. I was overwhelmed by emotions I was receiving and experiencing and I cried. From the beauty of what I was feeling. Little that we knew then is that crying was going to be one of the things I keep doing when things become 'too something'. She just keeps laughing, when thing become 'too something' for her. And I love that about her.
In the same interview Oprah's guest said something very close to this experience. And something I was struggling to define. And something that was around my mind the past few weeks. She said how she was wishing for love all of her life, but was never really feeling it. She knew it was there, but never really embraced it, never really let it in. And the moment when she did that, was when she was fighting cancer and her friends and family were by her side and were just giving her love. Once she really felt it, and let it get in, she cried. She cried because she finally believed she was worth of the love that was surrounding her. Crying because, after so much love that she was giving to the others trough the years, it was her time to receive that love.
Funny enough, I said to my dearest friend Dunja something very similar yesterday when I was talking to her about Mary ( aka my significant other). I said "You know what, I feel like I was giving so much love to so many people in my life, and always just giving. But now, maybe for the first time in my life, I'm in a situation where I'm getting that love." What I later said to Mary was also, I feel like the time has come for me to receive the love that you are giving to me.

It is scary experience, and I have days when I would just love to run from it all, because that is what I would usually do, it's very 'safe' thing to do, very familiar. There are days when I just can't believe how lucky I am to have someone like Mary in my life.
And there are days when I just can't get enough of her in my life.

I'm not gonna say, yes finally I do believe I am worth all the love I am receiving, it will take some time.
But I will say this, as an ultimate thank you to the universe, she is probably everything I ever wanted in someone to love.

The Beauty of Reiki

I was first introduced to reiki this past summer when I was trying to resolve health issues related to my thyroid. I loved it from the first moment. My body and mind were fighting so strong against it, because realizing how much pain was actually stuck in my body in never easy. I cried, I laughed, I sobbed, and finally lost myself in the beauty of the energy I was receiving. After that first session, I was initiated and 'became' a reiki student of first level. Meaning I was able to perform reiki sessions on my own, for my own well being. And I did. I was a perfect student. And I have discovered that besides the pain my body was stuck in I also had this huge and pure love to give and feel, but mainly to accept.
After my thyroid removal surgery I felt so good that ( like most things in my life ) I stopped practicing it. The moment I felt good, I stopped doing whatever helped me to feel good. And although I keep repeating my mantras on a daily basis, the sole act of taking and giving back the earth energy was gone from my daily habit.
For the last month I'm not feeling that great. I wouldn't say this or that is wrong, but as I keep trying to listen to my body and it's needs, I realized that my body isn't in a shape or state as when I moved to Ireland just two months ago.
One of the reasons for feeling shitty is the poor and awful food I've been eating. I grew up in a country where moms still cook daily and where food is still good and has taste. Irish people eat mainly frozen food. Ready, pre cooked meals, with lots of additives, artificial colors and all the E numbers. I never thought that being a vegetarian would be so hard here. But the truth is, I have nothing to eat. Even finding basic veggies is a struggle. And I keep begging my hosts not to buy frozen vegetarian food, but they keep doing it. But I'm sticking to my decision, I'm not gonna eat frozen, ready to go food. My body is feeling heavy and without energy.
In order to feel better and to keep my system running I go for a daily walks. Anything between 3 and 6 km is my daily routine. During these walks I have discovered that my heart isn't really working properly. Meaning I'm experiencing some irregular heart beats and occasional pain. So, I have decided to schedule a reiki session with someone I feel really connected to.
First thing my friend said to me was: 'I wanna check if you love yourself'. And I started crying. And I kept crying for the next hour. Throughout the whole reiki session. I just cried. He said:'Put your hand on your chest and say to yourself: I love myself'. I wasn't able to do it. Mostly because I felt like those words would be a lie. Because i didn't feel it. The one and only love you need in life. I wasn't feeling it. At the same time, I felt the love in my body, I felt, once again, this enourmous amount of love floating in my body, but not for myself. After I was finally able to say those words, it didn't feel liberating, it felt much needed and painful at the same time.
Reiki is supposed to unblock your energy centers and make your life energy float freely trough your body. During the session, as he was moving from one chakra to another I kept crying more and more, and I was facing so much of an emotional pain that I couldn't simply believe it. My body was shivering, I wasn't able to breathe, I wasn't able to release the energy, but after a long time I finally felt my body and all it's pain that was still remembering. I know I was crying and experiencing this awful emotional pain, but whole experience was pleasant. You feel this life energy moving trough your body and settling in all the places you need it. Above all, you feel love and that someone is nurturing your body, mind and soul in unspoken, the most honest and sincerest way possible.
After we were finished, and after I was able to breathe normally again I just felt the deepest and most profound gratitude I have ever felt. My friend said, don't hit me when you get up, i said, i will hug you.
And I did, with all the love he gave me, and all the understanding he had for me.