a journey

I had my first anxiety attack not so long time ago. it scared me. still does, because I still have small fragments of that attack in my body. The year behind me was, don't quite know how to put that, it was good, but did not do much for my self esteem and my self confidence. Past seven months of this year, were pretty much the same.
And so here I am, at the bottom of the mountain I fell down from, trying to find some small sign that will assure me everything is going to be just fine, as always have been.

FEAR

About a year ago I was asked to describe myself in three words, and one of them was BRAVE.
The truth is, I'm scared. Not a day or even a moment goes by without feeling that paralyzing fear in every cell of my body. I have this whirlwind of thoughts and questions in my head. Am I good enough, am I smart enough, am I a good friend, a good daughter, sister, aunt, employee? Am I beautiful enough? Am I worth enough? Am I worth? Am I enough?

I'm 28, and I assure you that 10 years ago I did not want my life to look like this. And I'm disappointed, and angry, and just want to know what future holds for me. At least a tiny bit of that picture.


I want to see what people saw
I want to feel like I felt before
I'd like to see the kingdom come
I want to feel forever young
I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I belong
I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long
If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
So where's the stars?
Up in the sky
And what's the moon?
A big balloon
We'll never know unless we grow
There's so much world outside the door
I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I'll be strong
I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long
If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Turn, turn, turn, turn
Turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Learn to turn

a Dog Story

For those who do not know, I adopted a dog in August.

A small mixed breed female dog.

I named her Tara.

She is fatty, she has a middle long white soft hair, with three black spots.

I can't even describe the happiness and joy she brings to me, and the love I have for her. I currently work as a babysitter, and each night, when I'm about to open the door, chills go trough my body, because I know that she will jump to lick me, to smell me, and lay down to cuddle her. We sleep together, I like it that way. When she wants me to wake up, she jumps over my head, until I do something. She likes to put her head below my hands, actually she lifts up my arms, and then snuggle her head below them, to hug her. Every morning when she gets back from her peeing, she lies right bellow my knees, you know in that corner you create with your legs during the sleep.

Why am I sad today.

Because my dad said the most hurt able thing ever. I know he was joking, but he did heart me really bad.

He said we could make a really good kebabs from her. Or even we can put her on a spit, and cook her. He added:"We would resolve two problems, having a dog in a house, and a meat for our patron saint - if I got all of these words right in English.

She is jumping around me at the moment, and for the first time I'm sad for that.

New Year, Old Feelings...

I have this enormous destructive energy in myself, that I'm scared off.

If you cannot, I assure you that I can understand those who kill out of rage.

You would not believe how easily the black-out and short switch overcome the beauty we all have inside.

I don't like this evil twin of mine, It's how I like to call it. I hate behaving like a maniac, I hate these destructive feelings and thoughts constantly running around my head.

My wishes for each year combine in my personal mantra: Peace, Love and Understanding.

Will this year be the one where my entire being creates the circle? The whole me?

It remains to be seen.

It didn't start to well, I'm seriously sick, everything hurts me, and everything annoys me.

But do believe in love.

A year has passed...

So, it's been a year now since I started this blog.

There were good days, there were bad days.

Lesson learned: Life brings you only those things you can overcome in the present moment.

I'm not sure if I'm smarter, better or wiser, but I'm conscious.

Be Love in the upcoming year.

life is good?

i lost my job, and move back to my parents.

is there a better time to say that i feel like a looser, like someone who was at one point in my life, and then went three steps backwards?

i keep telling to myself that this is just a moment in time, and that shall pass, but i'm stuck in a wrong mood, angry feelings and sad faces.

i try to listen to my favorite musician, but i have troubles finding those words that lift me up and make me happy.

watching TV again, hate myself for spending days in front of it.


i don't know guys, like i'm at the beggining again - will i be better this time?

20 ways to love your body

1.Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams. Honor it. Respect it. Fuel it.
2.Create a list of all the things your body lets you do. Read it and add to it often.
3.Become aware of what your body can do each day. Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.
4.Create a list of people you admire: people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world. Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments.
5.Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
6.Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
7.Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.
8.Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
9.Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance. Try one!
10.Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy.
11.Consider this: your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months. Your body is extraordinary–begin to respect and appreciate it.
12.Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
13.Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
14.Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good. Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.
15.Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body. Tell yourself you can feel like that again, even in this body at this age.
16.Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself–without mentioning your appearance. Add to it!
17.Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”
18.Choose to find the beauty in the world and in yourself.
19.Start saying to yourself, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way.”
20.Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired. Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.