follow your heart

I'm standing before two roads.
One leads back home to Serbia, second one offers an opportunity to stay in Ireland and start a life here. New life. Life I'm possibly already living.
I am torn between those two roads. Don't know which one will be the smartest to choose to continue with.
They say follow your heart, but what if my heart is at two places at the same time?
At this point I see both as a win-win and lose-lose situation.
Can't say one is better than the other.
When I think about home, I think about my dog and my friends. I think about all the familiar things, I think about 20 years filled with memories, good and bad, think about how easy is to express myself in a language that is so mine and so familiar. I also think about all the struggles, and issues and the close minded life with no freedom to be fully who I am.
When I think about Ireland, I think about the freedom to be whoever I am and whoever I want to be. I think about all the choices that don't exist in Serbia. After all the differences that I became used to, after finding love I was searching for, after making new friendships and relations, can I say, yes this is the life I want to live?
When I entered my late 20s and when I turned 30 it became clear to me that I have to stop wandering and that I have to settle. Meaning, I have to find a base and need to start living. Need to make a choice that I'm gonna have to live with. I am scared. I am scared that I'll make the wrong decision. I'm scared I'll go back home and leave a pretty decent life here for a really hot summer and long cuddles with my dog.
I had a lovely chat about this topic with friend of mine today, she said, look, whatever you choose, it will be ok, it will be the best choice for you. you just have to leave all the baggage from your previous life in your previous life. and yes, follow your heart, but ask yourself where will you, or where are you happy. don't forget where are you happy.
I am going home soon. I have so little time here left. Not enough time for the Mary and I story.
The fear is taking over me and my actions. I know that. And I'm not here any more, but not home yet.

i'm worth being loved...

... is one of the affirmations I have on my wall back at home.
it's been there for about a year now. close to it is another affirmation, saying "I'm enough".
Those two things are something I have been struggling with my entire life. And I still am, very much indeed.
I heard something today that got stuck with me and the timing couldn't be more perfect.
I was watching Oprah today and in one of the chats with her guest she said following "Most of us think and believe we deserve love, and the truth is, we do, we all do. But what we don't think or believe is that we are actually worth it as well. And those are two very different things."
I recently started seeing someone. And from the very first moment, things were/are pretty intense and big, enormous. Both beautiful and scary. We both often asks each other and ourselves, is this too good to be true, or is it just good and true? I remember the first week of our 'not-so-official-relationship' I emailed my friend saying, this is going to be big. I was overwhelmed by emotions I was receiving and experiencing and I cried. From the beauty of what I was feeling. Little that we knew then is that crying was going to be one of the things I keep doing when things become 'too something'. She just keeps laughing, when thing become 'too something' for her. And I love that about her.
In the same interview Oprah's guest said something very close to this experience. And something I was struggling to define. And something that was around my mind the past few weeks. She said how she was wishing for love all of her life, but was never really feeling it. She knew it was there, but never really embraced it, never really let it in. And the moment when she did that, was when she was fighting cancer and her friends and family were by her side and were just giving her love. Once she really felt it, and let it get in, she cried. She cried because she finally believed she was worth of the love that was surrounding her. Crying because, after so much love that she was giving to the others trough the years, it was her time to receive that love.
Funny enough, I said to my dearest friend Dunja something very similar yesterday when I was talking to her about Mary ( aka my significant other). I said "You know what, I feel like I was giving so much love to so many people in my life, and always just giving. But now, maybe for the first time in my life, I'm in a situation where I'm getting that love." What I later said to Mary was also, I feel like the time has come for me to receive the love that you are giving to me.

It is scary experience, and I have days when I would just love to run from it all, because that is what I would usually do, it's very 'safe' thing to do, very familiar. There are days when I just can't believe how lucky I am to have someone like Mary in my life.
And there are days when I just can't get enough of her in my life.

I'm not gonna say, yes finally I do believe I am worth all the love I am receiving, it will take some time.
But I will say this, as an ultimate thank you to the universe, she is probably everything I ever wanted in someone to love.

The Beauty of Reiki

I was first introduced to reiki this past summer when I was trying to resolve health issues related to my thyroid. I loved it from the first moment. My body and mind were fighting so strong against it, because realizing how much pain was actually stuck in my body in never easy. I cried, I laughed, I sobbed, and finally lost myself in the beauty of the energy I was receiving. After that first session, I was initiated and 'became' a reiki student of first level. Meaning I was able to perform reiki sessions on my own, for my own well being. And I did. I was a perfect student. And I have discovered that besides the pain my body was stuck in I also had this huge and pure love to give and feel, but mainly to accept.
After my thyroid removal surgery I felt so good that ( like most things in my life ) I stopped practicing it. The moment I felt good, I stopped doing whatever helped me to feel good. And although I keep repeating my mantras on a daily basis, the sole act of taking and giving back the earth energy was gone from my daily habit.
For the last month I'm not feeling that great. I wouldn't say this or that is wrong, but as I keep trying to listen to my body and it's needs, I realized that my body isn't in a shape or state as when I moved to Ireland just two months ago.
One of the reasons for feeling shitty is the poor and awful food I've been eating. I grew up in a country where moms still cook daily and where food is still good and has taste. Irish people eat mainly frozen food. Ready, pre cooked meals, with lots of additives, artificial colors and all the E numbers. I never thought that being a vegetarian would be so hard here. But the truth is, I have nothing to eat. Even finding basic veggies is a struggle. And I keep begging my hosts not to buy frozen vegetarian food, but they keep doing it. But I'm sticking to my decision, I'm not gonna eat frozen, ready to go food. My body is feeling heavy and without energy.
In order to feel better and to keep my system running I go for a daily walks. Anything between 3 and 6 km is my daily routine. During these walks I have discovered that my heart isn't really working properly. Meaning I'm experiencing some irregular heart beats and occasional pain. So, I have decided to schedule a reiki session with someone I feel really connected to.
First thing my friend said to me was: 'I wanna check if you love yourself'. And I started crying. And I kept crying for the next hour. Throughout the whole reiki session. I just cried. He said:'Put your hand on your chest and say to yourself: I love myself'. I wasn't able to do it. Mostly because I felt like those words would be a lie. Because i didn't feel it. The one and only love you need in life. I wasn't feeling it. At the same time, I felt the love in my body, I felt, once again, this enourmous amount of love floating in my body, but not for myself. After I was finally able to say those words, it didn't feel liberating, it felt much needed and painful at the same time.
Reiki is supposed to unblock your energy centers and make your life energy float freely trough your body. During the session, as he was moving from one chakra to another I kept crying more and more, and I was facing so much of an emotional pain that I couldn't simply believe it. My body was shivering, I wasn't able to breathe, I wasn't able to release the energy, but after a long time I finally felt my body and all it's pain that was still remembering. I know I was crying and experiencing this awful emotional pain, but whole experience was pleasant. You feel this life energy moving trough your body and settling in all the places you need it. Above all, you feel love and that someone is nurturing your body, mind and soul in unspoken, the most honest and sincerest way possible.
After we were finished, and after I was able to breathe normally again I just felt the deepest and most profound gratitude I have ever felt. My friend said, don't hit me when you get up, i said, i will hug you.
And I did, with all the love he gave me, and all the understanding he had for me.

Looking forward to 2013

I haven't been here for quite long time. And it feels like I'm just writing my first post again. Have no idea where to start and what is it that I want to say. But let's face it, my every post is like that. Just a pure production of words building up in my mind, body and soul.
As most of you know, I'm in Ireland at the moment. It's going to be two months in just few days since I arrived to Blackrock. But I feel like I've been here my entire life.

If you were reading my previous posts you know that this year was indeed life changing for me. I went trough so many ups and downs, I have entered the world of my sexuality openly and clearly, I moved across the world and finally I feel I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in this moment in my life. And it's safe to say, once again, that everything happens for a reason and there are no coincidences. Just choices we make and the path we pave ourselves.

First book I bought when I arrived here was Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I highly recommend it if you are on a path of self discovery and if you lost yourself and feeling a bit clueless. It's not one of those life changing books that you praise as your new bible, but rather an honest approach to a complicated life of a single 30 year old female. And let me tell you, if you are going trough a break up, it's the book you would wanna read. If you are going trough any type of a meltdown, you want to read this book.It's honest above all and god knows I needed some honesty at the end of this year.

So, what have I learned in the past year?

Is there an easier question I can ask myself today?

Maybe, but I'm ready for a challenge.

I've learned I have the most amazing friends in the world and I wouldn't change them for anything. They have been here for me when I needed them, in my most awful states of mind, in my most wonderful states of my mind. When I was terribly sick, when I was finally over with the pain, when I was heartbroken, angry, sad, happy, free, coming out, leaving the country. I also learned that I can be brutally honest with each and every one of them. That they keep returning me back to my life path, that they are the wind in my wings and that they will always be happy for me no matter where am I and how good or bad I feel. Talking about full acceptance of my being... That's the feeling I have. So, 2012 thank you for my wonderful friends and thank you for teaching me how to appreciate their presence in my life and how to be grateful for their friendship.

I've learned that being vulnerable is a strength. I've learned that I don't have to be always strong or perfect or brave. I've learned that crying is good for my soul. And I cried a lot in 2012. There were times when I was thinking I'm never gonna stop crying. I cried all day and all night until the last drop of the pain I've been holding for the past 29 years was cried out. I've learned that I can talk about my emotions, feelings, joy, happiness or sorrow with almost anyone. I also learned how to accept all the pain I was holding back. I learned how to embrace my flaws, i learned I have this incredibly big love inside myself and I learned that the more I love myself, the more love I have to give. Now, that being said, please Universe, send me someone to give this love to. ( one more thing I learned about myself this year, is that I'm actually funny, or my mind is, or it could be that Ireland does that to me :)) So, 2012, thank you for giving me once more chance to change my life and for sending love to my life. The gift of love is just something I'm forever gonna be grateful.

I've learned that the time is really the only thing we have to give and share. Our relationships are messed up with negative emotions or constant chasing for more of this and that. But the secret of life is really simple. Use your time on earth wisely. That's the big secret of life. Just appreciate the time you have. With your loved ones, with your family, friends, pets, lovers. Acknowledge the presence of certain people in your life. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them what impact they have on you, or just be honest with them. But above all, speak your mind. Don't hold back anything, but also be gentle and not selfish with your words. And remember to tell people you love them, you never know if you gonna have another chance to say that. There is no better time than now to tell someone you love them. So, 2012, thank you for teaching me how easy is to say to someone that I love them, how easy it is to acknowledge someones presence in my life and how selfish I can be in my needs.

I also learned that I cannot run away from life. But I'm ready for the challenge I'm currently facing. I choose not to talk about it here, but it is a big one.


I also learned there is still a lot I need to learn about life, love, people, myself and the world. And I can't imagine a better place than Ireland for that. At least for now.

So, 2012, thank you for being life changing. I can only hope that the best is yet to come and that I will remain the student of life in 2013 as well.

Sandra

Sean Patrick Inspire Me Today

Are you what people call a "spiritual" person? I think I am - I like to meditate, say affirmations, drink herbal tea and pray. However, I also like to dance to hip hop music, drink coffee and keep up with the Kardashians.

You see, if you're anything like me, you're a spiritual seeker in a modern world, carrying a yoga mat in one hand and a vanilla latte in the other. You may find it challenging to balance your joy-seeking side with your human side, however, the good news is that we don't have to choose between our spiritual selves and our human selves, we just have to choose between what brings us joy and what brings us misery.

I believe that being spiritual is not just something that you are, it's something you do. It's a moment-by-moment choice to keep peace as your only intention and love as your only action. It is to become unbound by the thoughts that cause you to judge and the emotions that cause you to hurt.

It is common for us to get caught up in wanting to look like a spiritual person, read the right books, say the right words and sit cross-legged whilst we meditate. We can often get so distracted with how we think things are supposed to look that we forget to see the beauty in the coffee cup in our hands and remember that the Universe is always placing us exactly we are meant to be. We can discard our trip to the coffee shop as a spiritual experience because we think that it is far too ordinary, but that's the thing about the Universe - it often disguises the most beautiful things in what we call mundane.

We live in a modern, fast-paced world and there is no reason why we can't be spiritual on the go. There is a check-list that I like to complete as often as I can that helps me remain phenomenally grateful for mundane things and keep my spiritual cap on when faced with situations that are challenging to me....

Thank the Universe for the fact I woke up [check]
Give thanks for the bed that kept me comfortable all night [check]
Meditate a.k.a. Prepare my mind for miracles [check]
Send love to somebody... just coz I can [check]
Be gentle with myself and remember how far I've already come [check]
And then I say this prayer: 'Dear Universe, I do not know what is best for me today so I leave the blessings in your hands.'

So, when you've finally done all that you can do, when you've read every self-help book that you can read, when you've just about hurt all that you can hurt, when you've given everything you've gotten and when you're tired of controlling situation after situation... let go and turn inward. Your treasure was there all along (whether you've sat cross-legged or not)!

Daily Love Quote - Forgiveness

"First, we have to face the notion that in order to consider forgiving someone we must have been blaming them for something. We must have anger, resentment, blame, even hatred going on in order to feel the need to forgive. Forgiveness is really an act of letting go, releasing the anger, the hatred, the bitterness, the thoughts of revenge that we have been carrying around. We can do this letting go without even encountering the person we want to forgive. We forgive by releasing all resentment, anger, and bitterness and thus set ourselves free from the negative feelings that weaken us. First we have to get past blame. Then we have to learn to send love to all."

"Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and your spirituality, and it remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally. To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds. Forgiveness is a spiritual act of love for yourself and it sends a message to everyone, including yourself, that you are an object of love and that that is what you are going to impart."

- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

DailyOM:Staying in Pain

Pain can serve as one of life's great teachers, but it is important to move through it and not become stuck in our pain.



Pain comes and it goes. It is just one component to the grand cycle of life. And when experienced as such, pain can serve as an important teacher. It is when we get stuck in our pain that it becomes detrimental to our well-being and development. If you notice that you feel closed-off, resentful, heavy-hearted, or that you try very hard to avoid being hurt again, there may be a part of you that is still stuck in pain.

We can get stuck in our pain for many reasons. As children, it was natural for us to cry, throw a tantrum, and let the experience move through us. By fully feeling our pain in this way, our emotions would wash us clean, leaving us open and available to new experiences. With age, though, we might have determined that expressing emotion was no longer appropriate, and so we developed a variety of coping strategies to deal with our discomfort. We may have learned to stuff our feelings down or to run away from them. Perhaps we began thinking that staying closed and unwilling to try new things would keep us safe from heartbreak, safe from rejection, and safe from failure. We may have even gotten so used to being in pain that the thought of being without it scares us. But, if we continue to hold onto it longer than necessary, we are expending a lot of energy that could instead be channeled into making our life experiences more positive.

If you notice that you are continually connecting with the same familiar patterns of pain, consider embracing your feelings and letting go of your hurt. Whether your pain is from childhood or from an experience last week, see if you can give it room to move. When it does, you will reconnect with a wonderful source of your own vital energy.