on commitment, open relationships, being "the one" and the heartbreak

My current relationship status: single.

Two months ago I would have said: heartbroken.

Today I would say that on a spiritual level I'm healing from a codependent relationship that ended with pain and hurt.

I'm not ready to talk about what has happened between us, because I'm still trying to make sense out of all of it. Still trying to figure out my responsibility in this break up, and the entire relationship and what has nothing to do with me, but it's my ex's stuff.

And it's freaking hard, being aware and powerless all at the same time. Being mature and then being a complete child in all of this. Then loving myself and the other person still. Showing the kindness but honoring the emotions that are in me. And there is a lot. A lot of hurt, a lot of pain, a lot of anger. But also love, and compassion and understanding and kindness.

I'm doing my best to heal, to recover, to forgive and there is few sources that I reach towards when I'm lacking the strength to give myself what I need.They explain better what I'm thinking, than I'm able at the moment.

It also explains where and how and maybe even why my relationship ended. So instead of me talking about it, I will let you listen to these talks.

breaking the patterns

Full me once...

I am such a fool! Such a fool! For holding, for not letting go, for believing that loving you will set me free, that showing you compassion will help me, us become new versions of us. What a fool I am! For again and again focusing on you! And forgetting about myself! How come I keep giving you the power and putting me and my healing in second place! I am so angry with myself! So angry with myself! Foe believing that you are honest when you say I'm sorry for the pain! For giving you chance over a chance over a chance! For showing you that I will love you no matter what! That you don't need to deserve my love, that my love is here for you when you need it! I am such a fool! Such a fool! And when I say you'll have to work freaking hard to be even my friend, I mean it now! You will have to work really freaking hard! I was here ready to say I'm sorry for everything I did while we were together that you found disrespectful, everything that I did that made you feel like you were not good enough, everything where I could've shown you more love! There is nothing to apologize for, nothing! The person I need to apologize, nurture and love is me, only me!

fear

I'm craving you. I'm craving your voice. I'm craving you. My inner being is craving your inner being. And I cannot explain it. And who do I explain it to.
I'm fighting myself. My need to reach out, and my reason who says we both deserve peace. And then I don't know if it's my pride that is stopping me from reaching out and that voice that says "she should fight for you". And then there is love, there is kindness and compassion, and the belief that forgiveness will set me free. And then there is a fear that if I show you any of this, I will be hurt again and then I'm back at square one. And then I know how much healing happens in being vulnerable, but I don't know if that is going to open me to a possibility to get hurt even more.

I just want to talk to you. I don't need to know why. I don't need to hear this is better for both of us. I don't need to hear any explanations. I just want to talk to you. Simple as that. I just want to talk to you.

when the only thing left is selflove

Remember that day when you said you wanted out?

I fell into pieces...

You decided to go out for a dinner with your friends.


Remember that time I was in Belgium, after we broke up?

I was falling into pieces...

You decided to do one thing I asked you not to do.


Remember that time I came back to pack my stuff and move, and I found out what you did?

I fell into pieces...

You said, remember how you feel now when you start missing me.


Remember that time I left what we called "our home" and moved?

I fell into pieces...

You said, you will be so much happier there.


Remember that time you posted those pictures on fb?

I fell into pieces...



I collected my pieces...



Now you are broken...


And I need you to know, there is nothing but love in me for you. Only love. Love is all there is, love is all there will ever be. I will always always always choose love. Love for myself first. And then for you.

Love stays. Pain leaves.

I hold so much pain in me...

Every once in a while I feel full of love, life, excitement, joy, like I can conquer anything that's put in front of me.

But reality is, more often than that, I just feel sadness, pain, weight of the life experiences on my shoulders. Maybe that's why they are so stiff, and always tight, and always high, as if the world is going to break me if they let their guard down.

There is so much forgiving to be done, there is so much acceptance to be made, there is so much to let go of, there is so much to enjoy. But how? Can someone please give me a recipe???

I guess I wasn't born with one of those light personalities, the type that brings the light and easiness in every room, or every experience. Things come hard to me. Joy comes hard to, I'm so cynical that I don't laugh at simple, no harm jokes. I just find them stupid. Pain, anger, sadness comes really easy to me. It's comforting at times, but I know it's destructive. I feel it. With every cell of my body.

I wonder often what is stopping me from loving life, enjoying everything that's in front of me, every breath I take, person I meet, sunset I see?

Was I born sad? Or is this something I learned?

I know a lot of the pain and letting go has to do with accepting who I am. The way I am. A lot to do with appreciating myself and everything I've been through. And letting go of perfection and the feeling of being responsible for everything.

I don't know...



I know I'm being too hard on myself.

And I feel stuck because of the constant judging thoughts running around in my head. I do not feel light, I feel it in my breath (if I breathe at all).
And the fear! The fucking fear of everything. When, why, how??? Stop with it. Stop with the fear!


I know I'm work in progress, but maybe, just maybe, the traits I consider to be my faults are actually not faults at all, maybe that's just me. ME.


I was going to be honest in this post, and I thought for a minute I'll be able to express everything I feel and question and spin around in my mind, just the way it is. But I seem to be lost in the translation. My own self.

Look, you, the person writing this post, yes YOU!

YOU ARE OK JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. SAD, ANGRY, SCARED, SENSITIVE YOU!!! YOU ARE PERFECT IN YOUR CREATION.

NOW GO AND START BELIEVING THIS IN THIS NEW YEAR.

This is who I am?

You know when you go to a workshop/training/seminar and there is always that first part of the introduction games and talking about who you are and so on and so on? Well, I don't like that. One of the things I hate answering is 'who I am', or defining who this body, this person with this name is. Not because I don't know it, well maybe that's not entirely true, but because not one of those things I say and share defines me. Doesn't make me who I am. So, most of the times I feel comfortable just saying, I'm Sandra. And then, you decide who I am, or am not.
I just couldn't figure out how saying oh I'm a psychologist, a woman, a sister, a daughter, serbian, or this and that tells to myself or the people what my true essence is. I always felt that saying I am (fill the gap) puts me into this box with strict definitions and description of how I am supposed to behave, talk, dress, what movies should I watch, what should I like or dislike. It always gave me this huge fright of not having the freedom to be anything else but that person in the box I choose to define myself with. I am very aware of the fact that those imaginary boxes have more flexible edges now, but I find myself in a limbo more often lately as I'm discovering and accepting the fact that I am (what society calls) a lesbian. A word that I'm dreading to use to define myself with. I know huge part of accepting my sexuality is a very outspoken homophobic upbringing I was exposed to. And it did took me a long time to find the right words that explained why I always felt different than other girls I knew, why I was never really attracted to the opposite sex, but felt like I should and therefore created all these scenarios in my head and acted according to them. I was different, and I always knew it, but then, we all are. But I just didn't know what different meant.
I like to believe that at age of 28 I was brave enough to admit to myself that I might actually be gay, or who I really am. Brave enough, but never more lost. I was reading a book by Portia de Rossi soon after I moved to Ireland, who explains very well how opening yourself to your sexuality raises up all these questions that you never even thought about. And I borrow her piece from the book, because it resonates with my thoughts so well:" I had met some lesbians through the girl I'd briefly dated, and I spent time with them, observing them and trying to figure out what it meant to be gay. I soon discovered that I had to figure out what kind of lesbian I was going to be. It was obvious to me almost immediately that I was very different from most other girls. I didn't really fit into either role of "butch" or "femme." I liked wearing makeup and dresses and heels, but I also liked to wear engineer's boots and black tank tops. In the first few months of my coming out to other lesbians, I realized that I was as much a misfit in the gay world as I was in society at large. I was half butch, half femme, neither here nor there. At that point in my life, I didn't understand that playing roles in any relationship is false and will inevitably lead to the relationship's collapse. No one can be any one thing all the time. There is a great deal of lying done while a role is being played in any relationship, homosexual or heterosexual. As I had tried to fit into the sample size clothing, I also tried to fit into a preconceived idea of what it meant to be gay. And any time I try to fit into a mold made by someone else, whether that means sample size clothing or a strict label of "butch" or "femme," I lose myself."

I struggle with that a lot. As if accepting being the lover of the same sex isn't enough of a struggle, now I have to figure out what kind of a same-sex-lover do I want to be. I feel this huge pressure to fit in the role of a lesbian, that I often wonder whether or not I actually am one. I know this might sound awful, but there is this huge expectation from the society that slowly grows to be your own, to be this or that. There is this huge expectation to play this perfect gender roles, that I was never good at, that I refuse to play, but are being requested from me and I am conforming to them and I am not enjoying it the slightest! Why is it so hard for myself and for the rest of the people just to let people be who they are? I am surrounded by some pretty outspoken lesbians, that just love love love love who they are. Or simply present themselves very well. And I talk to them about music, movies, books, gender roles, and find it really hard to find the connection. Maybe huge part of it playes the fact that I grew up in a society that has no lesbian role models to look up to, where being gay is considered some kind of a nature abomination. But maybe, once again I am just that bit different lesbian that refuses to believe that being a lesbian is all that I am. Soon after I finished reading Porsha's book, I came across an interview with Ana Matronic and this amazing words, that made me feel just a bit more normal in the lesbian/female world: "I don't like identifying as gay or straight or even bisexual. I don't necessarily like identifying as a woman. I identify as a human being and I enjoy distinctions being taken away. I believe in human rights. We should treat each other exactly the same whoever we are. The rigid constructs put into place to define us don't really work."

That is possibly the essence of mine, human being, I AM A HUMAN BEING. I LOVE SAYING THAT! I was always the defender of the weak ones (once I stopped acting like a bully), I always believed that no child, animal, person, man, woman, should suffer and struggle for food, water, jobs, place to live. I always believed in the equal human rights for all the people of this world and in treating animals and the planet we live on with love and respect that they deserve. This is the essence of who I am. I am human, and I love it.

Hope this year brings even shorter hair, less dresses and high heels, occasional make up, more pants and some fabulous flat shoes. To the free styled, unique, and no barriers self! Live, laugh, love.