Fear of letting go

I've been reading a lot lately. One of the books I wasn't able to put down was "The Power of Now" by Tolle. And there is a chapter in which he talks about being used to the pain. It's the pattern we paved on our own in many aspects in our life, and we are so comfortable with that very well know road that we keep inviting and creating even more pain, just feeding it from the inside. It was one of the chapters that really ringed a bell in my body, mind and soul, and for the very first time I asked myself:"Do I love pain, am I in a constant search for it? All the fights that happen every day, am I inviting them myself?"
And it got me thinking today, what if this whole thyroid thing is something I use as core definition of my inner self? What if I use the thyroid as an excuse for not doing this or that, or doing this and that. What if I did replace most of my identity with the general "I'm sick, it's not me, it's my thyroid" sentence? Could it be that my fear from this operation comes from that place of losing an exuse of acting or doing things in a certain, very familiar way? I'm not saying that is the case, I'm not saying that is not the case. But for the first time I really looked deep down inside myself and really tried to feel the fear I have. What if I lose who I was? What if I don't lose who I was? Those are the questions I create around that fear. But the main thing is related to the fear of losing a part of me. A part I became so much identifed with. A part that is not allowing me to say:"Hey girl, you can do this! It will be the best it can be! You can handle it! You WILL be ok!". And as I was writing that I just realized, that was my 'identity' before I willingly lost it and replaced it with "no I can't, i'm sick".
Being a victim - such a strong and easy to play role. Wow!